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TheKortneyShanePillar Is Going Away. It Was Just Time


Let’s begin…

The Kortney Pillar is moving. Where you ask, to my own website which will be officially launching next week (you can see it now here). That’s right you’re boy is taking ownership of his own content.

Now nothing is going to change. You’re going to get the same content: A comedic approach to Sports and Pop-Culture.

I will no longer writing my blog on my wordpress site. I won’t be shutting it down, but it will no longer be updated. Now if you want to continue getting my content just go to, www.kortneyshanewilliams.com/thekortneyshanepillar Go there now.

You can also get the RSS feed here: http://kortneyshanewilliams.com/thekortneyshanepillar/?feed=rss

Thanks for supporting my content. Spread the word. I will see you’ll there.

The Drink Is Always Purple

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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The 2011 Eastern Conference Finals, Chicago Bulls vs. Miami Heat


Three of the Best Players Will Be Showcased In Eastern Conference Finals

Let’s begin…

Eastern Conference Finals The Chicago Bulls vs. The Miami Heat

In the Eastern Conference we have the top 2 seeds battling it out for the right to go to the NBA Finals. When this season started I wouldn’t have dreamed of this being a possible scenario (which probably says more about me). However after some injuries and bad trades (shout out to Otis Smith and Danny Ainge) here we are.

Don’t be prisoners of the moment. We have seen Derrick Rose and the Chicago Bulls accomplish great feats throughout the regular season. At one time it was believed that they were the odds on favorite to go to the finals, but as the great Notorious B.I.G. said, “Things Done Changed.” During the post season the Bulls have been proven to be a limited team that does everything right. They’re kind of like a good looking guy with a limited vocabulary. Dude looks good, smells, and has good hygiene, but at the end of the day he going home alone, because he doesn’t have the mouth piece needed to get it done before last call (anyone can get it done after last call. At that point only low hanging fruit is left. You get no points for landing grenades). You can point to the Bulls and they’re defensive intensity, but everybody is playing with intensity at this time of the year. In addition Miami is the best defensive team left in the playoffs. So, Chicago’s two biggest strengths are null.

Now the Bulls definitely have the advantage at point guard. And when I say advantage, I mean it isn’t close. Derrick Rose will embarrass any point on Miami’s roster. Rose probably relishes the opportunity to go up against Mike Bibby. Heck I relish the opportunity to go up against Mike Bibby. Miami should petition the NBA to have the point guard position stricken from NBA rosters, and propose 4 on 4 as an alternative. So everyone would agree that Rose will have his way. Then what?

The Bulls don’t have anybody consistently outside of Rose. Carlos Boozer would be great in this series, but he’s not healthy. So, you’re left with an energetic Joakim Noah, a good player in Luol Deng and a specialist in Kyle Korver. If Miami is smart they will defend Korver and Deng with LeBron and Wade. Bosh will guard Boozer, which is a wash, because Boozer is injured and Bosh is…Bosh. The Bulls are then left with Noah at an advantage at Center. That’s just isn’t enough. You can point at depth as a means to offset this problem, but what happens when LeBron and Wade play 40 minutes…oh yeah they drop 30 on your 7th and 8th men (Depth can be the most overrated thing in the playoffs, especially when the other team’s core is young).

The only way the Miami Heat will lose is if LeBron James and Dwayne Wade have bad games. Those two guys must play great simultaneously for 4 games. The Heat don’t have the margin of error to get by without either of those guys. If the Bulls can somehow find out how to get one of those guys off their game, they will win this series. Now can they do it?

The Bulls problem this series will be offense. Defensively they will be fine. They may even be great, but if they can’t score they will lose (please see the Boston Celtics). This series is summed up perfectly by a friend of mine who said, “If you take away the 3 best players in this series. The Bulls will win this series hands down, because of their depth.” The problem is the 3 best players are playing in this series, and Miami has the best 2.

The Miami Heat win 4 – 1

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on May 14, 2011 in Basketball

 

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“I Apologize”…Dwyane Wade and Kobe Bryant Have Everything In Common


Kobe and D-Wade Look On..."I'm a Dope That Was Lame"

Let’s begin…

As much as I love being right you have to admit when you’re wrong. And I was/am/maybe wrong about Dwyane Wade (still can’t admit it).

Now I’ve always thought the hype that surrounded Dwyane was premature and unwarranted. Granted he was the MVP of the 2006 NBA Finals (what a shot to my argument), but what did he do in the playoffs without Shaquille O’Neal or LeBron James (I will give you time to think)…nothing.

One of the untold stories about Wade’s career is without Shaq and now LeBron James, he’s only been out of the first round of the playoffs one time. This has been one of my main sticking points with Wade (sticking point?? Who do I think I am?). If you’re going to be viewed as the one of the top 3 players in the league, you have to get out of the first round. However, I’ve never looked at the other side of that equation, which would go something like this, “When he does have help he gets the job done.” Now I would admit that perhaps I overlooked this.

Winning is an ability. I’m not sure if it’s a skill, but it is an ability. While it may be easy to dismiss this notion, there is something to be said for winning. Winning is why players become Hall of Famers (please see Robert Horry. By the way I’m looking for a Horry jersey. Somebody hook ya boy up). Winning is one of things we hang over players careers as a means to diminish their accolades (please see Charles Barkley). One of the best examples of winning amplifying a players career is Kobe Bryant (excuse me I have to vomit).

Let’s think about Kobe’s career for a minute with the championships aside. He’s been the MVP, the scoring champion a couple times, and a perennial all-star. Now look at Wade. He’s never been an MVP, but he’s a perennial all-star and has also won a scoring champion. So what’s the difference between Kobe Bryant and Dwyane Wade…nothing (that’s right I said it)? If Kobe Bryant had played with the same teams that Dwyane Wade has played with. The results would be the same. That’s a fact. Without Hall of Fame Players around him, Kobe Bryant made it out of the first round of the playoffs one time (eerily similar to D-Wade). So, if we’re going to hail Bryant as winner guy, the same should be done for Wade.

So I was wrong about Dwyane Wade. He is a great player, and a future Hall of Famer. My only question is can he win without Shaq…Kobe did it.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on May 6, 2011 in Basketball

 

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The 2011 NBA Playoffs: Western Conference Round 2


Let’s begin…

The L.A. Lakers vs. The Dallas Mavericks

I can’t believe that this will be the first time Kobe Bryant and Dirk Nowitzki will face off in the playoff. One would think with the amount of time these superstars have spent in the same conference they would have locked up before now. However, that’s not the case, but now we will get to see it

Were the Lakers challenged in the last series? Who knows? I don’t think anyone could say with a straight face that they felt L.A. was in danger of losing that series at any point. New Orleans never truly challenged the Lakers. I wouldn’t have cared if the Lakers went down 3-0. I would have still expected them to win the next 4 games. The reason New Orleans won two games is because they have Chris Paul and the Lakers are vulnerable at the point guard position (can we someone please take Derek Fisher out of his athletically challenged misery. Dude ain’t had it for 5 years). However, when push came to shove Kobe defended Paul, the Lakers step up their game slightly, and sent the Hornets home. So there’s nothing to take from that series in relation to this one.

Now Dallas on the other hand had a real fight with the Portland Trailblazers. LaMarcus Aldridge and the Blazers gave Dallas everything they wanted. For years the Mavericks were see as a soft team that didn’t play defense. That however is no longer the case. Tyson Chandler has brought an interior toughness to the Dallas Mavericks that hasn’t been there in the past (by the way anytime Tyson Chandler is seen as the savior, things ha veto be bad). So they are not as soft inside. Now they need to fix that defense (I still can’t shake the image of Brandon Roy torching them in game 4, and dude has no kneecaps. What is Kobe going to do?).

I expect the Lakers to win this series. They just have too much length and skill inside. I think Dallas could be competitive early in games, but they just don’t have enough size.

Lakers win 4 – 2

The Oklahoma City Thunder vs. The Memphis Grizzlies.

With Kendrick Perkins, Oklahoma City has made themselves a formidable team in the playoffs and a potential champion. There is one thing consistently holds them back, and that is the inconsistent play of Russell Westbrook.

On just about every night Westbrook has an advantage against any team the Thunder face. His ability to score at the point guard creates problems for the opposition’s defense. However it creates a problem for his team as well. Winning with a score first point guard is nearly impossible. Now it’s great when Russell’s game is on and he’s hitting shots, because not only is he scoring, he’s distributing. Now if his offense isn’t rolling, he shoot tons of shots (like most shooters do) to try to get his offense on track. That’s a problem especially when you’re playing with Kevin Durant. Look I’m not breaking news here. Kevin Durant should be putting g up at least 20 shots a game if OKC plans on winning this series. And if he doesn’t get those shots it shouldn’t be because of Russell Westbrook.

The Memphis Grizzlies have everyone’s attention. After beating San Antonio in 6 games, the Grizzlies have proved that they belong. When you look at Memphis’s roster, you begin to understand why they are having so much success. Zach Randolph and Marc Gasol are a load in the middle. When you pair that with Mike Conley and their perimeter play, you can see the problems Memphis will pose to Oklahoma.

I really don’t know who’s going to win this series. I will pick Oklahoma City Thunder to advance to the Conference Finals, because I think their better from top to bottom. With that being said, I have absolutely no confidence in my opinion.

Thunder win 4 – 3

Be Sure To Read My Eastern Conference Breakdown

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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The 2011 NBA Playoffs: Eastern Conference Round 2


Let’s begin…

The Chicago Bulls vs. The Atlanta Hawks.

After struggled to dominate games in the first round, there is reason to believe that they could struggle this round. This may seem like blasphemy, but Derrick Rose is not the second coming. That right I said it. In the playoffs you can’t win with a small guard being your leading scorer. There is only 1 small guard to lead their team to a championship, and his name is Isiah Thomas. By the way Thomas would wipe the floor with Rose. Dude isn’t in his league (Another notable small guard to lead his team to the finals is Allen Iverson, and he would wipe the floor with Rose too). With that being said, this isn’t the championship. This is the second round against the Atlanta Hawks.

When looking at the Atlanta Hawks you have to like some of their matchups. In their starting lineup they have the advantage at 3 and maybe even 4 of the five positions. Chicago will not be able to match their interior toughness. With the combination of Zaza Pachulia and Al Horford will overwhelm Boozer (which is nothing new, just take a look at the last series). Henceforth the Bulls will not be able to rely on post scoring. I also think the Joe Johnson vs. Luol Deng matchup could be interesting. Johnson has all the tools to exploit Deng, but he is Joe Johnson. So who knows?

I think the Hawks would be a no brainer to win this series. The problem is Atlanta is the most unreliable team in the playoffs. The Chicago will breeze through this series in rout to the Conference Finals. Derrick Rose and the Bulls live to fight another day.

Chicago wins 4 – 1

The Miami Heat vs. The Boston Celtics

YES YES YES, finally it’s on. The basketball community has been waiting on this since LeBron announced his decision to take his talents. Will LeBron quit once again during game 5 (You know Delonte West will be in the building and Gloria James will be drinking)? I don’t know, but we will all be witnesses.

This is the marquee series in the second round of the eastern conference, and maybe even the entire league. You obvious have headliners in LeBron James, D Wade, and Paul Pierce. However you also have the underlying story line of “The Traditional Team” vs. “We Put This Thing Together Ourselves Now Stop Us.” Let’s get into it.

The Miami Heat have been a work in progress for the entire season. Personally I’m shocked, not because of the amount of wins and losses. I just thought that the flow of their team on both ends of the floor would be more fluent by this point. The have had an unspeakably tough time integrating role players with their superstars. Who would have thought Mike Miller would be an afterthought, while Mike Bibby was in the starting lineup. With that being said the Miami Heat are the most talented team in the playoffs. You could argue that at any time against any team in the league they have the two best players on the floor. I don’t not sure how that will transfer to their series to Boston, but it gives them a great chance.

The Boston Celtics are an interesting this basketball team. Part of me is not sure how to access their chances, because of the amount of players with no significant playoff appearance. On the other hand these are the Celtics. They have championship medal. We aren’t talking about chopped liver (chopped liver? How old am I?). This is Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Ray Allen.

Boston has a huge advantage at point guard. As a matter fact I would argue that he is the most important person player in this series for the Celtics. Rajon Rondo has a significant advantage against every point guard on the Heat’s roster (unless 1999 Tim Hardaway is walking through that door “Shout Out To Run TMC”). If Rondo can exploit the Heat he way he has exploited playoff teams in the past, this series won’t be close.

If you pair Rondo with Boston’s inside play creates a problem that Miami won’t be able to solve in a best of 7 series.

Boston wins 4 – 2

Be sure to check out the Western Conference preview

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on April 30, 2011 in Basketball

 

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“Derrick Rose is this era’s MJ”…Time For A Reality Check.


Is Rose the MVP?

Let’s begin…

Derrick Rose is the next coming of some Zeus like basketball figure. He’s the greatest ever. “Derrick Rose is this mixture between Michael Jordan and Brock Lesnar. I literally don’t know how you stop him!” Well I’d just let him take jump shots because dude can’t shoot.

Alright let’s come down to reality (For all you with you Rose colored shades on. Reality is the place where the grass is green and the best player in basketball has a jump shot). Before I shred Derrick Rose I want to say he is a great player.

Now contrary to popular belief, Derrick Rose is not the best thing since sliced bread. This, “best player in the league stuff” is garbage. He’s barely even top 10 (Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Dwight Howard, Dirk Nowitzki, Deron Williams, Chris Paul, Dwyane Wade, and Kevin Durant are all ahead of him). Of course if you’ve been listening to sports radio for the last 4 months you wouldn’t know that. The media is treating Rose like he’s actually won something. The other day I heard someone say, “Rose is the most athletic point guard ever.” Take it Easy. Allow me to introduce you to a guy by the name of Allen Iverson. At Iverson’s size and position, there has never been someone more athletic than him. I would even argue that Steve Nash is a more athletic point guard than Derrick Rose (before you kill me for that statement. Take into account that he was a star soccer and rugby player in high school). So, to call Derrick Rose the most athletic point guard ever is just lazy and asinine.

Derrick Rose is not the MVP of the league. It is well known that he’s is going to win the MVP, but so what (that was very unprofessional. Dock me all the journalist points that I’ve never had). We all watched the games, and he wasn’t the best player. You can say that it’s subjective, but there’s not an argument you can make in favor of Rose winning the MVP over LeBron James or Dwight Howard. The truth of the matter is, there are two reasons he’s going to win the MVP, and neither of them have anything to do with him. First every writer hates what LeBron James did this offseason, and they’re dead set on not rewarding him before the season started. The second reason is every writer hates what LeBron James did this offseason, and they were dead set on not rewarding him before the season started. The problem with that is LeBron isn’t the MVP this year either. So while the media allowed James to hold them emotionally hostage. They missed the true MVP this year (drum roll please), Dwight Howard.

Dwight Howard is the essence of what an MVP is. He’s the best defender (note 3 consecutive defensive players of the year) and he is the best player in the league at his position. Howard is the most irreplaceable player in the NBA. If you look at the drop off from Howard to the next best Center. It is a larger gap than Derrick Rose to the next best point guard. Especially since Rose isn’t the best point guard in the league (for the record I would put Rose 2nd this year behind Chris Paul who is top five in steals and assists. Derrick isn’t top five in any stat category). Dwight’s achievements continue to get overlooked, and I’m not sure why. Now granted I see why he didn’t win a MVP in past. Offensively he was limited, and wasn’t even the leader of his win team. You also have to take into account that he lost to LeBron James for the past two years and dude can ball. However, Dwight Howard significantly improved himself offensively while continuing his dominance on the defensive end. He carried a team that lived on 3 point shots and prayer to a top four seed in the playoff. He was top five in rebounds and blocks. He also finished 11th in points. Howard did all this while being saddled with the Orlando Magic (which included Vince Carter for 22 games, which alone is unbelievable).

Now if you still think Derrick Rose is the MVP, read the previous paragraph again.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on April 30, 2011 in Basketball

 

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The New York Knicks Should Get Use To Early Playoff Exits?


Let’s begin…

Really New York, Really? This was team you were all excited about. All anyone said going into the playoffs was, “The Knicks are the most likely team to upset in the Eastern Conference.” The Knicks followed up those predictions, by being the only team to be swept out of the playoffs. Even Ricky Rubio thinks the Kicks got too much hype. “Man that was a waste of time.”

Now granted the Kicks were injured, Amare Stoudemire got banged up, and Chauncey Billups was virtually ineffective. Which is kind of the way he plays when he’s healthy at this point in his career (Too Soon)? At the same time, the Knicks got swept, and weren’t even competitive in two of the losses. I hate to brake it to Knicks fans (actually I love breaking it to New York. Anytime they leave their groin open I kick them) but get used to losing early in the playoffs.

The New York Knicks have obvious deficiency. Defensively they are inept, their coaching can be questionable, and the bench is challenged to be serviceable. I mean anytime Renaldo Balkman is in your potential playoff rotation, things ain’t good. Now these are problems that could be fixed, but it won’t be that easy. You have to factor in the looming CBA this offseason which presumably will decrease the salary cap. So the Knicks will be able to add pieces via trade, but they will not be in the market for major free agent accusations. This means you are looking at the Knicks core for the next 5 years. So at best they will be the third best team in the east at best for the foreseeable future (Miami and Chicago are 1 and 2 in no particular order). So say it with me, “Things ain’t good.”

I expect to be a very competitive team in the regular season, and post season going forward. They may even have a season where they finish with the best record. I mean they have the best scorer in the league. With that being said, they aren’t winning a championship. Their style of play coupled with their roster, is not set up for winning in the playoffs. So, good luck with that New York. You know there’s always Fubu.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

www.facebook.com/kshanecomedy

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KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

http://thekortneyshanepillar.wordpress.com/

 
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Posted by on April 25, 2011 in Basketball

 

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Kobe Bryant’s Homosexual Slur Highlights One of Sports’ Biggest Problem


Let’s begin…

There’s something stuck in my crawl (crawl? Where is that?). So give me a minute to hop up on my soapbox.

Now I don’t know if you’ll know about what happened with Kobe Bryant. If you haven’t, let me fill you in.

During a game Kobe Bryant was issued a call by a referee that he didn’t agree with. He went into a tirade as all players do after a call they don’t agree with (or after any call if you’re Gary Payton). During Bryant’s tirade he screamed profanity and called the referee a homosexual slur that rhymes with Zagat (use your imagination boys and girls).

I waited to see the backlash surrounding Kobe‘s comments…and I waited and waited…there was nothing. All I heard were people defend Kobe Bryant and dismissing his comment. I even heard someone say (I’m not going to say who it is, but his name rhymes with Chris Webber) that, people are competitive and sometimes things slip. What…”Things slip” really? The lone voice that came out against Kobe was Charles Barkley on the Dan Le Batard Show (Purple Drank). So allow me to align myself with Mr. Barkley by saying, Kobe Bryant’s language was completely unacceptable. Please don’t try to excuse that kind of langue as something that always happens in a competitive arena. When you start using slurs, it’s no longer about competition. You are trying to hurt someone, and degrade them as an individual.

The word that Kobe Bryant used toward the referee was disgusting and abhorrent. There is no place for that use of language. I am shocked that people on sports television, that run their yap for a living, haven’t stood up for what is right. It seems that when the shoe is on the other foot, social activist seize the opportunity to promote themselves (“Paging Al Sharpton, Paging Al Sharpton”). We all know if Kobe was white and he called a referee a Nigger. People would try to kick him out of the country (“Oh here comes all Sharpton”).

Now I’m not saying Kobe’s a bad guy, because I don’t pass personal judgment on people I don’t know. What I will say is the reaction to Bryant’s comment speaks to a bigger problem in the American sports arena. There is a homophobic acceptance in sports, because of the lack of representation of openly homosexual men in American sports. Is this a problem? Yes and no. The lack of openly homosexual males isn’t a problem. People have the right to be whoever they want to be in their life. It’s no one’s duty to let the public in on their personal preferences. However, I do think that fact that sports culture hasn’t evolved into present day society is a problem. We have confronted and somewhat conquered racial inequality in sports. It’s time to address homophobia.

The recent Kobe Bryant comment has brought to fore front a huge problem in sports. I really hope we resolve the issue of homophobia in sports. It only takes one person to start the movement, so pardon me while I get Al Sharpton on the phone. I will tell him Don Imus is on line 2.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on April 19, 2011 in Basketball

 

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2011 NBA Season Lottery Teams Rankings, MVP, and Best Team


The Heat, Lakers, and Thunder Are All Powerhouse Teams

Let’s begin…

NBA Lottery Teams, Power Rankings

The rankings are based on a combination of quality of players, expectations, and how awful the team was. I’m ranking best outcome to worse outcome.

“This is it. Don’t get scared now.”

  1. L.A. Clippers: This was clearly the best lottery team this season. They toyed with the idea of making the playoffs while being just bad enough to make it into the lottery. Couldn’t have done it better myself.
  2. Houston Rockets: This is the arguably the best team in the lottery. They obviously have some holes to fill in the front court, but they have one of the best front offices in the NBA. They will be fine. Look for them to make the playoffs next year.
  3. Milwaukee Bucks: This is a playoff team that caught some bad breaks. Look for them to get back on track next season. “Fear the Dear”
  4. Phoenix Suns: This franchise is in denial. They should have started rebuilding 3 years ago after the Shaq experience. They have to get what they can for Steve Nash and cut bait with Vince Carter as soon as possible. Do it for the kids.
  5. Golden State Warriors: I don’t even know what to call this. I think it’s a basketball team, but I’m not sure what they’re trying to accomplish. I’m not sure they are even trying to win games, but I love this organization, because hands down they have the best fantasy players.
  6. Utah Jazz: After losing their two best players what could you reasonably expect. If you’re a Jazz fan just pray Jimmer Fredette is off the board before the Jazz make their pick.
  7. Minnesota Timberwolves: For the talent this team had they should have won a few more games. At the same time this is Minnesota. I’m not sure they know they still have a basketball team.
  8. Sacramento Kings: Welcome to the best high school team of all time. If John Calipari were a GM this is the team he would put together. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Kings end up having to vacate wins.
  9. Charlotte Bobcats: You changed coaches, traded away your best players, and Michael Jordan is your de facto GM. Other than that things are great.
  10. Washington Wizards: Your team stinks, but at least you have John Wall.
  11. Cleveland Cavaliers: “Damn” Nuff said
  12. Toronto Raptors: I know why this debacle happened, but did you have to wallow in the debacle?
  13. Detroit Pistons: I wanted to put Toronto last, but then I remembered that no one playing for the Pistons likes to organization. So I will jump off the ship with them.

My All NBA Team

C Dwight Howard

PF LaMarcus Aldridge

SF LeBron James

SG Dwyane Wade

PG Derrick Rose

I almost put Kevin Durant at shooting guard because he should be on this list.

2011 MVP

This belongs to Dwight Howard. I don’t want to hear about how Derrick Rose is so great. Look, dude isn’t even top five in the NBA (FYI top five: LeBron James, Dwight Howard, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, and Dirk Nowitzki). Don’t get me wrong he’s a good player, but he is replaceable. On the other hand no one changes the game on both ends of the floor the way Dwight Howard does. He is the most dominate force in the NBA, and the MVP.

Best Team in the NBA

The Los Angeles Lakers are the best team. It may be seen as a copout, but they’re the best. The bottom line is they would be the favorite against every other team in the NBA. They have the best closer in Kobe Bryant, and the best coach in Phil Jackson. The Lakers should win the championship.

Season Synopsis

This has been the best regular season in recent history. I think it can spark another golden age in basketball, and I want to thank LeBron James (you’ll have to excuse me for a moment I just threw up in my mouth). James and the Miami Heat changed the way originations put their teams together. Now thanks to them we have powerhouse teams in big markets (the downside is terrible teams like Toronto ad Cleveland…just threw up in my mouth again).

There are 6 teams that have a legitimate shot at winning a championship. I can’t remember the last time that was the case. Wide open playoffs should make for some excitement.

“It’s Go Time!”

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on April 17, 2011 in Basketball

 

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The Great Manny Ramirez, Juiced His Way Out Of the Hall of Fame?


Manny Is Still Great?

Let’s begin…

I don’t know if you’ve heard but Many Ramirez has decided to retire from baseball. When I heard the news I thought, “Manny is done, and he just doesn’t want to play anymore. Maybe he realizes that his skills have diminished to the point that he can no longer be elite.” Then a report was issued by ESPN.com that stated that Ramirez had been busted for performance enhancing drugs…again…for the second time, consecutively. I couldn’t believe that someone could be so careless. You know you’re going to get tested, and you’ve already been busted. So, you decide to do it again…what? Come on Manny.

If I could talk to Manny (who am I supposed to be, “If I could talk to Manny” I’m a Douche) I would want to know why? Is it because you were jealous of other players? Were you influenced by other great baseball players, or did you need it to become a great player?

Usually I believe that great players are not made hall of famers because of performance enhancing drugs. I mean these are great athletes, the best of the best. In addition to that no one can become a hall of famer on drugs? Then again maybe they can. I would argue that Rafael Palmeiro, Sammy Sosa, and Mark McGwire, were all made potential hall of Famers because of steroids. All you have to do is look at their numbers, and you can see the spike in their respective performances. However that’s not the case with Ramirez. His numbers never jumped or dipped erratically. This makes it tough to decipher when he started using steroids. Furthermore it allows me to believe that there’s a possibility he used them for his entire career.

I don’t eliminate anyone from the hall of fame for steroid use. The only reason I eliminate people is because you’re a scrub or you’re just not good enough (please see Jose Canseco, because he’s a good example of both scenarios). That’s why Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, and Roger Clemens are in my Hall of Fame. They are just great players. I considered Manny Ramirez to be in this category as well.

When it originally came out that Manny had taken steroids I wasn’t surprised. It had become so rampant in the baseball community that assumed everyone was taking them. So, I decided that I would judge players based on their career pre and post steroid era. This is where I have a problem with Ramirez being in the hall of fame. Manny has been busted during the steroid era, and post steroid era. So, I am led to believe that he took steroids throughout his entire career. Consequently this makes all of his numbers tainted.

As a Cleveland Indian fan, I would like to look over the transgressions of Manny Ramirez, but I can’t. He cheated the game. I can’t let him in the Hall of Fame. With that being said, Manny Ramirez will always hold a special place in my sports pantheon. I will remember him has an entertainer and great hitter, with once in a generation talent. I’m not going to remember the dreadlocks or the lost years in L.A. I’m going to remember the Manny Ramirez that led the Boston Red Sox to the World Series Championship. I will remember the guy that I first identified with a Cleveland Indians uniform. The Dominican kid with talent and a jerry curl, poking out of the bottom of his hat.

Oh yeah! That’s Manny being Manny.

-Kortney Shane Williams

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Posted by on April 8, 2011 in Baseball

 

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The UConn Huskies Are Not the Best Team In The Nation?


The Best Team In America is UConn?

Let’s begin…

So that happened.

    Man that was one of the most unwatchable games I’ve ever seen. Honestly I would not be surprised if someone told me the players were injected with a liquid that was opposed to making people happy. There are 12 year old softball games that are more compelling. That game was so bad that it took me 2 days to write about it. I almost decided against writing about it, because I didn’t want anyone to know I watched it. I was ashamed of myself. IT’s probably the same feeling 30 year old men have when they buy Justin Bieber tickets.

Now everyone agrees that the National Championship game was terrible. Both Butler and UConn had terrible shooting performances, and they were equal culprits in the crime of making that game unwatchable. However, I still hear people saying that UConn is the best team in the country. Really…you have got to be kidding me!

UConn spent the entire season showing the Nation their limitation, and proving to everyone that they were not in the top echelon of college basketball. So, now because they won 6 games in a row that means they’re the best team? I don’t want to take anything for the huskies. They had a great tournament run, and are the 2011 champions of college basketball. They are champs, nothing more and nothing less, but they are not the best team because they won single-elimination tournament.

It’s traditional to think that because someone wins the NCAA Tournament, they are the best team in the county. However, I would argue that since when is a sudden death is not a good way to determine who’s the best. If that were the case every sport on every level would do it. The truth is it’s the worse way of determining who the best team is. As a matter of fact I think the BCS does a better job of determining who the best team is in a season. There has only been one time since the BCS came into existence when I thought the BCS Champion wasn’t the best team (In 2003 you could argue that USC was better than LSU). Does this mean the college basketball should adopt a BCS system? Not necessarily. Instead they should implement a playoff series format.

If the goal is to determine the best, then there should be a series of games played to determine who the best is. Instead of having the NCAA Tournament as currently constructed. Why not invite the best 16 teams, and play five game series. Not only would this give you a champion, but it would significantly reduce the argument of who was the best team. And don’t tell me it can’t be done, because it can. College baseball holds a series to determine who the best is. So, it can be done.

The NCAA Tournament is used to crown the champion of college basketball. However, that champion is not always the best team. Until another format is adopted get use to teams that may not be the best, being crowned as champions. Whether they change the system or not I will continue to watch the games. I just hope that I’m not embarrassed the morning after.

-Kortney Shane Williams

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Uconn Will Beat Butler, and Win The Championship?


Wich Coach Will Gain The Upper Hand?

Let’s begin…

    So I think there’s a national championship game tonight/today/yesterday, depending on what time you read this. It could have easily gone over your head because no one is really talking about it. This may be because; the Butler Bulldogs are playing in it for the second year in a row. Only this time they should be the odds on favorite to win.

The NCAA Tournament this year is a perfect snapshot of what happens when you make NBA players go to college for a year. When the one and done rule was put into place, most people thought it was going to help the elite programs. However, it helped lower profile teams compete with elite teams. While you have traditional powerhouses like UConn and Kentucky doing well you also have schools like Butler and VCU representing the underdog (Word to the wise. When you make people do something they don’t want to do, they tend to underachieve). So now we have Butler in the national championship game for the second year in a row, consecutively. Before the one in done rule, the bulldogs would have never had a chance to get to the championship game. Why? Well they wouldn’t have been able to recruit the enough talent.

Prior to the one in done rule, elite programs recruited the caliber of players that now attend mid majors, and mid-major programs recruited D-III players that had a very limited chance of competing on a big time level. What this has shown us is when all things are equal; every school is capable of being competitive. Now I don’t say that to diminish Butler in any way. They are a good basketball team with a great coach…let me clarify that. Their couch is a beast. I’m talking Tom Izzo level beast. So, props to Butler. With that being said, I wouldn’t be surprised to see another mid major team in the National Championship next year. As I stated before the system is set up for all teams to be competitive. The downside to this scenario is that every University believes they are entitled to a winning program. There is no excuse for not having a competitive program. I don’t care where you are, or what conference you’re in. You need to be competitive, and if you’re not, the school is justified in firing you. (Full disclaimer I went to USF, and I may or not be inebriated and pissed off right now).

Now let’s talk National title game.

Usually I would give you some kind of prediction or analyst, but I have no clue what’s going to happen. I’ve been wrong since this tournament started, so I not going to try to save this boat now. I’m sinking with the rest of the people on board. I’m like the band on the Titanic. I’m playing while the ship is going down (except my band is playing “Get Money” by The Notorious B.I.G). With that being said…The Butler Bulldogs and Brad Stevens are going to win the National Championship.

I never thought I would utter that last sentence, but I think Butler is going to win. They have the best team. Connecticut has had a great run, and they have over achieved. However, it’s reality check time. The Huskies have yet to play a team that haven’t beaten themselves. When UConn meats Butler on Monday night they will find themselves in a struggle with a team that plays smart. I don’t think Connecticut has the talent to compensate for their lack of basketball I.Q., and it will catch up with them.

Butler is going to win the National Championship…I can’t believe I just said that.

-Kortney Shane Williams

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MLB Opening Day, “Yawn”…Fantasy Baseball Opening Day, “Go Time”


Let’s begin…

Today is MLB opening day. So it’s only right that I welcome you to the most overhyped day in sports. People try to convince you every year of how great opening day baseball is, when in all actually it’s not that significant. Only thing more overrated is the Reagan administration. All the baseball purist, use nostalgia and romanticism to sell you on 1 of 162 games. All you here is, “Oh it a sign that summer is here. All I have to do is smell the grass and see the pitcher’s mound. It brings a tear to my eye. Opening day is as American as Apple Pie.” Yeah, the only thing is I actually like apple pie (with a scoop of ice-cream of course).

Now I want to make something clear. I like baseball. I love going to games, and watching on T.V. I just think the number of games in a season, make opening day insignificant. I would argue that the last 20 games of the regular season are far more compelling than opening day.

Strangely enough with all my problems in regard to opening day, I can’t wait for fantasy baseball to start. Everyone I selected in my auction draft has been waiting for this moment. We’ve made it through spring training injury free, and my players are foaming at the mouth, relishing the opportunity of taking the field. This is when my leadership as a manager is tested. Last year we finished second place, and I take full responsibility for our shortcomings. I should have dealt Ubaldo Jiménez when I had the chance. As a veteran owner I should have known better, and I have promised my team that I won’t make that mistake again. With a pitching rotation of C.C. Sabathia, Josh Johnson, and David Price, I don’t expect to have any pitching problems this year. Now in my hitting lineup I went young with Jason Heyward, Mike Stanton, and Justin Upton as my core. This will give me a good nucleus to build around this entire season. “Ya boy feels good”. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I can’t wait for opening day (Bart Scott Style).

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on March 31, 2011 in Baseball

 

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The Cleveland Cavaliers Send Miami’s Talents Back To South Beach


Cavalier fans say, "Get Out!"

Let’s begin…

The Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Miami Heat last night.

Now I know it’s just one win for a team that is terrible. A team in the Cavaliers that have no chance at the playoff this year, and probably even next year. With that being said, do you think that’s going to stop me from overeating? This post is for Cleveland fans that have been slowly slitting their wrist for the last 3 months. If you’re not a Cavs fan you may want to sit this post out, but thank you for clicking it, because I still get the credit for the hit. I am a Cleveland fan, and ya boy is about to represent.

    The Cavs played nasty last night. They fouled hard and didn’t back down when challenged by Miami (thank you Ryan Hollins for not backing down the Dwyane Wade. You are now my twitter avatar, “You’re Welcome!”). They gave them what I like to call, the Zaza to Garnett treatment. I loved every second of it. The only thing that could have made last night better was post-game tears.

Now I think the Cavaliers should build on this, and become a tough team. The Cavalier organization should make a conscious effort to change their image. They can shed the frontrunner image, and embrace toughness as their mantra. Cleveland like other Midwest cities is tough. It’s full of blue collar, grind it out people. So, why not put a team out on the floor that represents your city. It just seems practical, even the owner is a tough crazy man. As a matter of fact Dan Gilbert should spark the campaign with a letter on the Cavaliers website, “Anyone down for a little Comic Sans?”

As for the Miami Heat, this game was probably an admiration. They are better than the Cavs. However, it was interesting to see their response in a playoff like atmosphere. They seemed disinterested, and a little caught off guard. If I were a Heat fan I would be concerned, because this is another game where Miami got punched and didn’t respond.

Miami is supposed to be gearing up for the playoffs. They should be firing on all cylinders by now, poised to make a title run. However they have yet to solve the problem that has been hanging over them this entire season. They still aren’t executing in the half court consistently.

Playoff basketball is all about half court execution (Unless you’re playing the Dallas Mavericks in 2007). Teams that rely on the fast break don’t win in the playoffs (Please see Mike D’Antoni’s playoff record). So as the playoffs approach Miami has to get their game on point.

With that being said, the Cavs win! It’s a beautiful day in Cleveland. They have officially broken up with their ex-girlfriend. She may have left for someone better, but they have the car and the house. There is only one way to sum up the way the city of Cleveland feels today, “The world is better now because the Heat is losing.” (Courtesy of Dwyane Wade).

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on March 30, 2011 in Basketball, Uncategorized

 

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Barry Bonds and Greg Anderson, Best Friends For Life?


Let’s begin…

    The Barry Bonds perjury trial began this week. This is the trial to find out rather or not Bonds knowingly he took steroids. This is also known as, a complete waste of time. Barry knows he took steroids. I don’t even see how he could argue that he didn’t know. Come on Barry. You’re head doubled in size the minute you started taking the supposed flax seed oil, and if that didn’t get your attention. The acne and 73 homeruns should have tipped you off. I hate calling someone a liar without the facts (brace yourself, I’m about to call someone a liar), but I don’t see how Bonds couldn’t know.

    Now we can disagree on whether Barry knew he was taking steroids (I’m not sure why we would disagree). However, one thing that is a fact is that Greg Anderson (who was Bonds trainer) is the “Best Friend of All-Time.” This dude has middle school girls jealous of his loyalty. When they write B.F.F. on their Trapper Keeper (Are they still making those?), this is the person they hope to be.

    If you don’t know, Greg Anderson is a childhood friend of Barry Bonds. They played baseball together at a young age. While Bonds became one of the greatest players ever, Anderson had little to no success. After giving up his career as a baseball player, Anderson began working out at World Gym which just so happened to be a few blocks away from BALCO. How convenient is that? To have a steroid like crack house within walking distance from you’re gym. It’s hard to find those kinds of amenities now a day. Shoot, I’m happy to have a laundry mat 2 blocks from my house (FYI when looking for a place to live you need two things close by, 7-Eleven and a laundry mat). Now we can connect the dots from here. Anderson dabbles with steroids, later becomes Barry Bonds’ trainer, Bonds is pissed because scrubs like Mark McGwire are setting homerun records, and he ends up taking steroids himself as well. Now 762 homeruns later and about a yearlong regiment of Clearasil to clear up his acne, Bonds is on trial for lying to the grand jury for knowingly taking steroids. It would be easy to convict Bonds if the government could get Greg Anderson to testify. The problem is they can’t get him to testify.

    Greg Anderson will not testify against Barry Bonds. Since 2006 Anderson has been sentence to jail time 3 times for contempt of court, because he won’t testify in the Barry Bonds’ perjury trail. This makes no sense, because if he told the truth he wouldn’t have to worry about jail. I thought you were supposed to lie to stay out of jail. I’m confused. At the same time, maybe this is what good friends do. If that is true, I am the dirt bag of friendship. Compared to Anderson, my friendship is about as loyal as LeBron James in July. I’m not going to jail for a friend. I wouldn’t go to jail 3 times for my momma. As a matter of fact if she asks me to do something like that, I wouldn’t talk to her for a year. So, I salute Greg Anderson and his loyalty. He’s a better man than I am.

    Then again could Greg Anderson be the smartest guy in the room? Maybe Anderson is operating by the idea of keeping your friends close, and your enemies closer. Bonds could know something about him that could ruin his life.

Then again could it be possible that as childhood friends Greg and Barry made a pack?

“We’re never going to snitch on each other. We’re blood brothers and friends for life. Pass me the crayon and construction paper, so we can document our love…yeah. We’ll always be friends. As a matter of fact lets buy one of those overhype gold plated necklaces with the hearts separated in jagged fashion, that way no matter what happens we will remember each other. I got your back dog no matter what happens. If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I got your back, dog. If anything happened to me while I jumped out a window…and my hair caught on fire, I got your back, dog. If 15 years from now we get caught up in a Federal investigation we’re not going to say anything, because we have each other’s back dog. Picky swear…yeah! Now grab that syringe and the clear stuff.”

    

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on March 26, 2011 in Baseball

 

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Jersey Shore: “Ronnie The G.O.A.T.


 

Ronnie Needs A Book Deal

Let’s begin…

    I have been watching Jersey Shore since the exception of the program on MTV. Originally the Jersey Shore was highlighted on an episode of MTV’s show True Life I’m A Jersey Shore Girl, in 2004. In 2009 MTV casted it as its own reality show, and formed what is now known as Jersey Shore (by the way what took them so long, and why am I so proud to know this information). It didn’t take long to figure out the show was a keeper, and it took even less time to figure out that Ronnie had the potential to be the greatest reality star of all time. He has everything it takes: mood swings, chemical imbalance, binge drinking, and infidelity. In the business we call that, the total package. Now I want more.

    Can someone please sign Ronnie to a book deal? I want to know this guy’s secrets. I have never seen someone repeatedly cheat on his girlfriend, somehow justify it, and convince the woman to apologize to him. This kind of talent is once in a lifetime. He is a franchise player in the making, and soon to be a Hall of Famer. As a matter of fact if Infidelity had a hall of Fame, Ronnie would be the guy shaking inductees’ hands, welcoming them in.

    Now if we could somehow get Ronnie a book deal. He could sell some of his best moves to the general public. It would be a real life version of, “Breakin’ all the Rules” (terrible movie, but watch it so you can laugh at this joke). Now I’m not interested in practicing Ronnie moves. Ya boy has his own game, and it works great. Plus there’s a good chance Ronnie’s secrets involve some weird amount of steroids and street pills. So, I think I’ll pass. However, I would like to read the book. That book would be essay style porn. A car accident you have to see. A grease fire (add more ridiculous analogies in your head).

    So, let’s start a campaign. Maybe I should create a Facebook Page? Hold on, already did that. Support the cause here, “Ronnie Needs A Book”. Now spread the word.

Ps. I can’t believe I wrote this post. Sad thing is, I fist pumped throughout the whole thing, while wearing an affliction tee shirt. “Douche”

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on March 22, 2011 in Pop-Culture

 

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New York Knicks and Carmelo Are 7-8. What Does It Mean?


The Knicks Look Like The Losers In The Melo Trade

Let’s begin…

“Hey New York! How’s that Melo saves the day thing working out?” I haven’t heard from you’ll lately. I know you’ll were once piece away from winning the championship. So, I’m wondering if Carmelo was that missing piece. Alright I will stop kicking Knicks fans in the groin, and begin my spiel.

Since Carmelo Anthony has left Denver. The Nuggets are 9-4 and the Knicks 7-8 (That’s less than .500 for the kids keeping count at home). Does this mean the Nuggets are better without Anthony? Not necessarily. It’s a small sample size, and it doesn’t indicate what a team truly is. With that being said the stat is an indicator of one important thing.

The fact that the Denver Nuggets are still trending in an upward direction indicates that Carmelo Anthony is not irreplaceable. Carmelo Anthony was overrated (I would like to take this time to say, “I saw this coming”). He is not in the class of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, Derrick Rose, Dirk Nowitzki, Dwight Howard, or Deron Williams. He is a great scorer in the NBA, but he’s not someone that can carry a team. To put it in Big Boi terms, “He Ain’t No DJ.”

Now that doesn’t mean you can’t win with Carmelo Anthony. As a matter of fact you should win with Anthony. It means that if you plan on winning a championship (listen up New York. I’m about to drop some knowledge) you better lower your expectations, until you build pieces around him. Once the Knicks compensate for their lack of defensive intensity, they will be primed for a title run. However, that’s not New York’s biggest road block in route to a title. There biggest problems are the Lakers, Miami, Chicago, Oklahoma City, and any team Dwight Howard plays for.

As a Cavs fan I’m envious of Denver Nuggets. They didn’t give themselves the opportunity to get screwed by their superstar in free agency the way Cleveland did. At the same time Nuggets fan could be pissed off at the Cavaliers. If somehow LeBron never leaves Cleveland, then Denver would have had the upper hand on Carmelo, because he wanted the money more than anything. He can say it was about winning, but he wanted that money almost as much as Charlie Sheen wants another rail of blow (I say almost, because I’m not sure anyone wants anything more than Sheen wants blow).

There are now three models of how to unload your superstar in the NBA.

  • South Beach Style: Leave yourself open to the possibility of your franchise players walking when there contract is up.
  • Go Utah on it: Get out in front of the rumors, and trade your superstar a year before their contract is up.
  • Mile High Way: Wait for some team to become desperate and over pay for your superstar.

The Orlando Magic and New Orleans Hornets are paying special attention to these models. Which one will they pick?

 

-Kortney Shane Williams

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Posted by on March 21, 2011 in Basketball

 

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Uncle Toms And The Fab Five


The Fab Five

Let’s begin…

    ESPN has added the Fab Five to their critically acclaimed 30 for 30 series. The documentary about the 1991 -1993 Michigan Wolverines basketball team highlights the journeys of Jalen Rose, Juwan Howard, Jimmy King, Chris Webber, and Ray Jackson. Those players were freshmen in 1991, and would later be better known as the Fab Five. They introduced rap music and baggy shorts to America on one of the biggest stages in sports.

    The documentary was produced by Fab Five member and ESPN basketball analyst Jalen Rose. It didn’t take long for Rose to become the star of the documentary (I don’t blame him. If you give me control of anything I’m taking over. You could make me the co-producer of a cooking show, and within two segments I’m doing my comedy act). He displayed ultimate transparency when taking about his childhood, Michigan, and decisions he made.

    When talking about his teams’ battles against Duke. Rose stated that he hated Duke, and “… felt like they only recruited black players that were Uncle Toms” (can we retire the slur Uncle Tom? I mean as Americans we have a better imagination than that. Let’s hold a poll and select a new term. I would argue that any slur made popular before 1980 should be retired Barry Sanders style). He believed they only recruited black players that came from well to do families. This made him resent Duke University and the black players that played for them. Since the airing of the documentary these comments have sparked a controversy, and even prompted Grant Hill to make a response.

    Now I’m not going to regurgitate the angle that has been stressed all week, or condemn Rose for his comments. It was how he felt at the time. When someone decides to talk about their past, you want to hear the truth. Unless you’re asking your wife how many people she had sex with. You want to lie, and not say 15 (15 is way too many).

    I want to talk about what this comment exposes. First it exposes the resentment that surrounds Duke and the type of players they recruit. To be honest they do recruit a certain kind of black player that has been successful for their university (I wrote about this: Black at Duke, or Maybe Not). I don’t blame them for that. That’s their propagative. In addition since 1990 they’ve led all schools in National Championships, and have consistently put players in the NBA. So, it works for them. However, despite their resume, they’re still seen in the black community as a school that only recruits white players. It’s the same feeling that surrounded the Boston Celtics until the mid-90s.

Rose’s Uncle Tom comment also exposed a dirty little secret well known throughout the black community. It’s a class issues that highlights the idea that well off black people. Somehow become jaded by their reality, and lose their black identity. Now I would argue that this isn’t true. If you are black in America, you know you’re black! At the same time someone could argue that there are indeed black people that disconnect from their identity. I would agree with that statement. However, there are people among all races that disconnect from their identity. Those people are the exception. Let’s not make the exception the rule.

    No one should see black individual as a, “sell out” because they want to further the black community, by educating themselves and promoting the idea of a nuclear family. At the same time people in a single parent home, that aren’t as well off, shouldn’t be look down upon as not worthy. Everyone’s black experience is of equal value to the black community and society as a whole. The real sell outs are individuals that don’t take care of their responsibilities. People that walk out on their kids, rob people, kill people, and/or spend their life in and out of prison. Those are the individuals that should be resented throughout the all of society. My man Chris Rock spoke to this brilliantly during his comedy special Bring The Pain, in a segment better known as, “Niggas vs. Black People.”    

    I hope the issue of class in the black community ceases to become an issue. Instead let’s focus on the true sell outs.

-Kortney Shane Williams

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The 2011 NCAA Tournament; Seth Greenberg And Virginia Tech Denied Again


Seth Greenberg Is The Face For All Bubbles Teams

Let’s begin…

It’s NCAA Tournament time.

This year’s tournament is full of the usual suspects. You have UCLA, Arizona, UConn, and Syracuse. In addition you have the normal amount of terrible teams complaining about why they should have gotten in. The argument for bubble teams that got left out is always ridiculous. It’s just bad teams complaining because other bad team got in over them. That’s like a parent arguing because a kid dumber their kid got into truck driving school. “Who cares? You both stink, and if you would have gotten in, you would have lost in the first round anyway. So stop whining and enjoy the NIT.” Never the less there’s always a group of teams that find a way to complain, and who better for the face of complainers than Seth Greenberg.

As usual Virginia Tech was shut out of the NCAA Tournament, and as usual Seth Greenberg is lobbying for why Tech should be in the Tournament. I don’t know why Greenberg or anyone at Virginia Tech is surprised. It happens to them every year. The Hokies getting left out is as routine as the sun coming up, and Charlie Sheen doing blow. I think we should turn it into a National holiday. We could throw a parade, LeBron James could bring smoke and balloons, Don Magic Juan could bring his green hat. It would be great.

Here’s the secret that bubbles teams need to learn if they want to be in the Tournament, “Win Games.” That’s all you have to do. I have no sympathy for teams that get left out. I actually think the tournament field should be contracted to get rid of more terrible teams.

Now it’s time for brackets.

I have pasted my bracket below. Come play along with me for free on ESPN.com. Fill out your bracket and add my group The Kortney Shane Pillar Blog.

My Bracket Is Always Subject To Change

 

I’m not going to break down my brackets round by round, because you can read. Unless you’re related to Fantasia from American Idol (I don’t know if you heard, but word on the street is baby girl can’t read, or sustain a long term career). What I will say is watch out for the Florida Gators and Kansas State. Those are the two teams no one is talking about that could win the title.

I have heard analyst talk about how the Gators are over seeded, but that’s a good basketball teams. They also have a great coach in Billy Donovan that since 2000, has led Florida to three title games, and two championships.

Kansas State is also a good basketball team. Their biggest problem is that their coach, Frank Martin is a psychopath. I’m expecting his head to pop off like one of those Rock’em Sock’em Robots. He’s a good coach, but his style could wear down his team mentally (That is how you play both sides of the fence my friend).

Enjoy the tournament, and join my group The Kortney Shane Pillar Blog on ESPN.com.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

www.facebook.com/kshanecomedy

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KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

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Posted by on March 16, 2011 in Basketball, College Sports

 

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Did The Sweater Vest Fool You?? Yes Jim Tressel Plays The Game Too.


Let’s begin…

    First off, I think Jim Tressel knew that his players broke the rules, and I think he lied hoping that the issue would go away. Once the issue came to light he owned up to what he did, because he had nowhere else to turn. With that being said, is anyone surprised? This is college sports. It’s a system based off the exploitation of individuals that are denied the opportunity to profit off of their skills (If I read that too you and asked you to guess the profession. You would probably say black market prostitution or AAU basketball). Big time college sports are dirty, and when you’re in a dirty industry it’s hard to be clean while being successful. Just ask Randy Shannon of the University of Miami what a clean program gets you (Gets you fired in case you’re wondering).

Ohio State publicly reprimanded Jim Tressel yesterday in a press conference. They suspended him for 2 games and docked him $250,000. Now I think this is hypocritical. Look no further than the players that he covered up for. They got a five game suspension, and Tressel only got two? At the same time isn’t it also hypocritical that Terrell Pryor and the tattoo five got to play? Was it hypocritical that Cam Newton got to play last season? And while we’re at it lets sprinkle a little Reggie Bush scandal in here? The entire scope of college sports is hypocritical. So, can we please stop the farce that is, “College Student Athletes” and start paying the players.

There is too much money involved college sports to call it amateur athletics. Even Don King thinks college sports are immoral. There needs to be a union to represent the players. I propose the idea of giving players the option of a scholarship or cash (I’m talking straight cash homie). The amount of money would be collectively bargained through the union. If players opt for the cash, then they would forfeit the right to all amenities normally supplied by the university including tuition, books, and housing (I’m talking about being an adult homie).

Until changes are made these are the rules. Jim Tressel violated the rules, and should be punished. You can suspend him and his sweater vest for the entire season, but it’s not going to fix the problem. You have to end this idea of amateur athletics, and start compensating players. Now excuse me I have to wire some money to Thad Matta.

 

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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NBA Questions…What Are The Miami Heat?


What Are The Heat?

Let’s begin…

    The NBA season is over half way over, and I still have many unanswered questions. Personally I think I have too many unanswered question (did I just write that? I didn’t need to say that twice. I’m a dope).

  • What’s going on with the Miami Heat? It was great watching them lose at the beginning of the season, but now it’s becoming disturbing. Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t this team supposed to good? I think they were. At least that’s what LeBron told us after the decision when the “Big Hype” stepped through the smoke, like the 87′ Miami Hurricanes. You remember the unveiling when LeBron counted off the Championships, “Not 1, Not 2, Not 3…” Then again maybe he was counting off the number of terrible late game possessions.

    By this time shouldn’t we know what the Miami Heat are? I can’t figure out is their finesse or tough. During close games I don’t even know if their alive. The Heat have time left to address their problems, but it’s getting dangerously close to their carriage turning into a pumpkin. Then again they did sign Mike Bibby, so everything will be alright.

 

  • Since Carmelo Anthony was traded to the New York Knicks, the Denver Nuggets are 5-1. So, is Anthony really that valuable? Now I’m not going to argue that the Nuggets are better without Carmelo Anthony, but I don’t believe they lost anything. With Carmelo the Nuggets had only advanced in the playoff one year out of seven. Call me optimistic, but I believe the Denver could do that without him.

 

  • Is it possible to hold off on nominating Danny Ainge as the King of Basketball? Before Kevin Garnett was gift wrapped to the Celtics, like a tennis bracelet from Jared, Ainge was known as an unsuccessful GM that was on the hot seat. Now four years since the trade the Celtics want you to believe that Danny Ainge has Nostradamus like powers. Now if Kendrick Perkins breaks down, and Jeff Green turns into Scottie Pippen, they would be right. However, there is a better chance that the Celtics capitalized on a small window with aging superstars, and they won’t be able to duplicate in the future. This has happened before, and at that time we overreacted the same way. “Danny Ainge, meet Joe Dumars.”

 

  • Can someone tell me how the San Antonio Spurs keep doing this? Their like a super hero that won’t die. I thought their window was close 3 years ago. There must be something in San Antonio’s water. How else could you explain the fact that their starting center is playing without ACLs. I demand a Federal Grand Jury investigation (Barry Bonds style).

    If the Spurs advance deep into the playoffs, it’s only right that Tony Parker be court mandated to repair his relationship with Eva Longoria. “Come on Tony please do it for the kids!” (Trick love the kids).

  • Is it hypocritical for small market teams like Indiana, Cleveland, and Sacramento to complain about the structure of the NBA? They weren’t complaining when they were the perennial Championship contenders, and Miami, New York, and Boston were at the bottom of the league. This is the way the system works. The only city that should be pissed off is Seattle. Not only did they lose a team that is now a championship contender, but they don’t have a chance of getting another one in the near future. Then again they have the Mariners and Seahawks to help ease the pain.

     

    This has been the greatest NBA regular season since the late 80s when Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and Isiah Thomas were in the league. Many people have said that was the golden age of the NBA. If it was golden then, it’s platinum now.

    The questions surround the NBA has made one most predictable professional sport leagues intriguing. It will only get better with the playoffs starting in a month, and I “Can’t Wait” (Bart Scott style).

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on March 5, 2011 in Basketball

 

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Is College Basketball Full Of Parody Or Do All The Teams Stink?


What Does It Mean If BYU Gets A #1 Seed?

Let’s begin…

    I keep hearing people say that college basketball is full of parody. Really…have you been watching the games? These teams suck. If you think even half these games are worth watching, there are some six year old soccer games at your local park that I think you’d be interested in as well. Now I don’t want to sound like some older curmudgeon, and start ranting about how Phi Slama Jama was the greatest team assembled. What I will say is I don’t see many NBA players in college this year. I think there are about 7 NBA players in college basketball, 10 on a good day. Consequently there are not many good teams. The bad news for college basketball is that this isn’t going to get any better.

    There will be times in college where the talent level will be high. It’s just the fact of how things work. There’s probably somebody producing a man child right now with arms like Scottie Pippen, and hopes like Darvin Ham (That’s right a Darvin Ham reference). However, even if this were to happen it wouldn’t improve the product, because the talent would be spread out among the legions on teams. “So Kortney what’s going to happen?” I thought you’d never ask. The college basketball regular season will continue to become more irrelevant, while the post-season will gain in popularity. In all actuality this may be the best case for college basketball. The NCAA Tournament is second to none at attracting both the hard core and moderate sports fan. So this could be great for the NCAA. At the same time don’t confuse a competitive post season with parody, because these teams suck.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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The Academy Awards Brought To You By Kortney Shane


 

Let’s begin…

The Academy Awards are tomorrow night. So it’s only right that I issue my movie awards for the year. Now I have to let you know that I have my own special categories and qualifications. First of all any movie that I have seen this year qualifies. It doesn’t matter if the movie came out 10 years ago. This mean that Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo could be my movie of the year. Also I have no problem saying that a movie sucks. If it was bad it was bad. So, I will break it down, and try to keep it simple.

*Please note that I do not plan on seeing Black Swan. I have seen enough reviews of this film to know it will make me vomit at some point in time. I put the over/under at 15 minutes.

Movies of the Year

The King’s Speech

    This movie was dope. I was skeptical going in, but it surpassed all expectations.

The Fighter

I enjoyed it, but come on. We’ve seen this genre of sports movie in all its possible forms. The movie didn’t surprise me, but it was worth seeing.

Inception

Even though I still can’t figure it out. I’m pretty sure something cool happened. Plus I enjoyed the way they made the city block turn upside down. The moral of this story is if

The Town

    This is a great movie. Ben Affleck did a good job directing.

The Social Network

    This was my favorite movie this year

Gran Torino

I know it came out a while ago, but notice my qualifications.

“What Was That” Movies of the Year

Alice in Wonderland

    I thought this would be worth my time, but I was sadly mistaken. This thing just didn’t work.

Piranha 3D

This is the poster child for when 3D goes too far. It reminds of 1997 when skater jeans were in style, and everyone was wearing Jincos. We have to get this #D thing under control.

The Expendables

I don’t know if you wasted your time watching this movie, but I sure didn’t. I saw enough in the previews to make me pass on this. I would venture to say, that theres not enough steroids in Hollywood to lure me into watching a Sylvester Stallone action film.

Grown Ups

    I think this movie was supposed to me laugh, but it confused me. I’m still trying to figure what was going on.

MacGruber

    This should have never happened.

Actors of the year

Geoffrey Rush, The King’s Speech

    This dude is my pick for performer of the year. He was incredible.

Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network

    He killed it.

Don Cheadle, Brooklyn’s Finest

    Not a good movie, but a great performance

Jeremy Renner, The Town

    It’s official; dude is a beast when he’s in his element. Renner takes over any time he’s on the screen.

Clint Eastwood, Gran Torino

    I’m not an Eastwood fan, but this was dope. I would have put him as actor of the year, but something tells me he won’t qualify.

Christian Bale, The Fighter

    He was great in the movie. I just hope he was acting.

Actresses of the year

Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit

    She was great.

Kate Winslet, Revolutionary Road

    I finally finished this movie, and she was great.

Melissa Leo, The Fighter

    She was great at portraying the classic overbearing parent, that can’t get her life together.

Amy Adams, The Fighter

She sold the idea of the hard edge woman from Boston. I even felt like I was in Boston. (What did I just say? Truth is I’ve never been to Boston. I just assume it looks like what I’ve seen on T.V.)

Natalie Portman, Black Swan

    I’m going to take everyone’s word for it, and assume she was great. I do not plan on watching this film. In case you forgot why, pleas reread the first paragraph.

“Please Stop Making this!” Movies of the Year

For Colored Girls

    I like Tyler Perry’s “Black men a terrible” movies just as much as the next black guy, but I think this is enough.

Jackass 3D

    It was funny at first. Now the desperation to stay relevant is saddening.

Little Fockers and Shrek 4    

    I’m knocking both of these out with one shot. Please stop. If not for me, do it for the kids.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010

I really want to like this movie, but there was nothing ne. I think it’s reached its limit, unless somehow they could set up a fight between Jason and Freddie. That would be something worth seeing.

 

I not sure who win what, but if I were you I would bet on my predictions. The good about being me is, I’m not you, and I don’t trust me.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

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Posted by on February 26, 2011 in Pop-Culture

 

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NBA Trade Deadline: Credit LeBron James “The Trend Setter” and What Was Danny Ainge Thinking?


Let’s begin…

    Who would have thought a kid from Akron Ohio would change the landscape of the NBA with a one hour television special (that special could have lasted 2 minutes, but you have to add 58 minutes for Narcissism, Jim Gray, and the statement, “I’m Taking My Talents To South Beach” But hey, he did it for the kids…Trick love the kids). After LeBron James’ decision, there was universal criticism for what he did to the city of Cleveland, and justifiably so. Now I think it’s time to give LeBron James and Dwyane Wade some credit for being visionaries.

When Pat Riley formed the new look Miami Heat this offseason. He put the NBA on notice, and loudly said, “This is how the games, is going to be played.” Players and GMs took notice and the Superstar Trading Spree kicked into high gear. Now 8 months later Carmelo Anthony and Deron Williams are already on the move to another city. Why…because the Nuggets and Jazz didn’t want to end up like the Cavaliers (By the way the New Orleans Hornets and Orlando Magic are on notice). The winners in those trade scenarios were the New Jersey Nets and the New York Knicks, but will their respective moves lead to a championship.

Despite the trades the Knicks and Nets have made, they’re still playing catch up to the Miami Heat. Not only does Miami have two hall of fame players, but they also have a hall of fame coach overlooking basketball operations. That’s something that neither New York nor New Jersey will be able to duplicate anytime in the near future. In addition to that, the new collective bargaining agreement is looming in the horizon. It’s inevitable that the new CBA will have regulations to prevent super teams like the one constructed in Miami. So, “Good luck to the Knicks and Nets, but I’d keep those championship rings on a wish list.”

I planned on stopping my post right here. As a matter of fact I had this written yesterday. I thought I was finish. Until…I woke up and big Baron Davis was on my television screen smiling with his homeless man’s beard. Underneath his picture it read that he was trade to the Cavs. So, I couldn’t resist weighing in on my man B.D. For the amount of money that Davis has stolen over the past 2 years this is justice. He’s always out of shape and would have eaten himself out of the league in Shawn Kemp like fashion, if not for Blake Griffin rejuvenating him. So Blake Griffin shows up this year. Baron embraces him, and even helps him win the dunk contest. Now the Clippers actually have the buzz that owner Donald Sterling wanted when he acquired Baron Davis 2 years ago, and what happens next…Baron and his beard are shipped to Lake Erie for Mo Williams. How pissed are you if you go to bed in L.A. and wake up in Shaker Heights. I mad just thinking about it. Then again I’m a Cavaliers fan so I’ve been pissed since June.

The other trade that caught my attention today was the Boston Celtics sending Kendrick Perkins to the Oklahoma City Thunder for Jeff Green and Nenad Krstic. This is a great trade for Oklahoma City, and if they’re able to resign him, it will make them championship contenders for years to come. So, I know why the Thunder did this, and I applaud them. Now what the hell was Danny Ainge thinking? I’ve never been convinced of his skills as a General Manager, but who thought he would expose himself with a championship on the line? The Celtics are a championship team with Perkins, so why would they trade him for Nenad Krstic. There are only two reasons to excuse this trade. The first reason is that the Celtics believe they can’t resign Kendrick Perkins (he has already turned down a deal from the Celtics this year). The other reason is Ainge still owes Sam Presti for the robber he helped him pull off when he gave him Ray Allen in 2007. Personally I believe they wouldn’t have been able to keep Kendrick Perkins, but under this circumstance, you don’t jeopardize a championship. I never thought I would say this, but the Heat have a great chance to win a championship this year.

Now excuse while I go on EBay and place a bid on a Baron Davis jersey.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on February 25, 2011 in Basketball

 

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College Basketball’s Biggest Problem, One and Done


Let’s begin…

   I can sum up this year’s college basketball season in three words, “One and Done.” Now when I mention the term one and done. Your mind probably goes to the common place of the NBA rule, which mandates a player to be either 19 or one year removed from college. You know the rule…the one that was supposed to save immature intercity kids from the traps of the evil real world. When in all actually they were making sure NBA owners didn’t give their money to kids that were more concerned with the purple drank than playing basketball. That’s a bad rule, but it’s not the rule I want to talk about (Even though I just wrote a paragraph about it). I want to address why there seems to be so many upsets in college basketball.

   Every week it we have a new #1 one team in college basketball, and every week that team loses. Many people have said it is because there are no great teams in college basketball. Now I will concede that there is some validity to that assumption. However, I would also argue that the number of upsets can be contributed to a meaningless regular season. Rankings in college basketball don’t mean anything. Every good team has an opportunity to win the national title (via the NCAA Tournament). Consequently games don’t mean as much, and you get weekly upsets. This is College Basketball biggest problem. “Well Kortney how do you fix it?” “I thought you’d never ask (actually I knew you would ask, because I’m the one writing the blog).” I think the number of NCAA Tournament bids should be contract from 68 to 48, and bids should be rewarded to teams based on record, with an emphasis on conference play. Here is how the tournament bids would breakdown in a 48 team field.

  • 6 Automatic bids for regular season Conference Champions in the ACC, Big East, Big 12, Big Ten, Pac-10, and SEC
  • 32 Automatic bids for Conference Tournament Championship (If the respective conference has no tournament? The bid will go to the team with the best conference record. If the tournament is won by a team already holding a bid. The bid will go to the tournament runner up.
  • The remaining 10 spots will be at large bids.

   The tournament seeding would be decided by a panel as it is now. The only tweak is that the top 4 seeds in each region would get byes into the second round of 32. While the reaming lower seeded teams would compete in, “The First 32″ (You see how creative I got with that title…pure genius). My tournament regional brackets would look like the one below.

   Now I know many people would say that this system would be unfair to teams from weaker conferences. To that I would say, each of those weaker conferences would receive an automatic bid for their conference champion, and they would be eligible for the 10 at large bids. I would also say, it’s not the job of the NCAA Tournament to be fair. The tournament’s only obligation is to pick the best teams. This isn’t a charity case. If you want charity, go to the NIT (which would inevitably feature underachievers, and any team coached by Seth Greenberg).

   At the end of the day you have to make college basketball’s regular season meaningful. I believe contracting tournament bids would be a step in the right direction. I maybe be wrong, but something needs to be done. If not, get use to the one and done.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on February 21, 2011 in Basketball, College Sports

 

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How Significant Is Albert Pujols and His $300 Million


Who Will Show Albert The Money?

Let’s begin…

    So Albert Pujols wants to get paid $300 Million over 10 years, and I don’t blame him. I want $300 Million to play baseball, and I can’t even play. I also think the St. Louis Cardinals would be idiots to sign him for that amount of money.

    Now I’ve hear people say that the Cardinals should do everything in their power to keep Pujols. Really…maybe you have it confused. This isn’t the Cleveland Cavaliers (no disrespect to Cleveland). St. Louis is the biggest baseball city in America. This is the franchise of Ozzie Smith and Bob Gibson. They have 10 World Series Championships. So what makes anyone think they need Albert Pujols? They need Pujols about as much as the Disney Channel needs Lindsay Lohan.

    Now Pujols is a great play, maybe even the best player in baseball, but how significant is he? Among the Major Sports, baseball is one where individuals have the least amount of control. This isn’t basketball where one player can single handedly change a team’s fortune. Think about the best players in recent history. Barry Bonds (who is the greatest player ever, but we can argue that later), Alex Rodriguez, Ken Griffey Jr., and Cal Ripken Jr.; how many championship have they won…two (you can totally move me off of Ripken, but then you would have to take away a championship, and that’s not helping you out). So tell me why Pujols is a must have again.

    It takes a collection of good players to have a great team, and if you give someone $300 million exactly how will you form that team. There are only two teams in baseball that over pay players, and continue to be competitive franchises; The New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox. Currently both of those teams have over priced first basemen. So if Albert leaves the Cardinals in order to make more money, what are the chances of him winning another championship? I’m going to go with, no chance at all. Because there’s a good chance he’ll wake in a Chicago Cubs uniform for the next 10 years.

    At the end of the day an employee is worth however much they get paid. If Albert Pujols signs a contract for 300 million dollars over 10 years this offseason, two teams are going to be very happy. However, only one of those teams will be happy in 5 years. That team is the St. Louis Cardinals.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on February 16, 2011 in Baseball, Sports

 

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The 2011 Grammy Awards According To The Truth


Let’s begin…

    So the Grammy Awards are tonight, and under normal conditions I would be happy. However this year’s lineup is terrible. Both the award nominations and performances this year are underwhelming. It has been reported that Dr. Dre will be performing. Really? Now I love the Doctor just as much as the next guy that grew up in the suburbs. I would just rather remember him as the guy with the Jerry Curl that didn’t like the police. I don’t want see Dre at 46 wearing skinny and a Kangol, trying to reinforce his gangster. Speaking of Dr. Dre…can we please stop with the Eminem charade, because it’s starting to get sad? There is no way “Recovery” should be nominated for Album of the year. Now I understand that they want a representative from Hip Hop in the Album of the year category. I just think that nomination should have gone to Jay-Z for “The Blueprint 3.”

    I will concede that there weren’t a lot of great albums that came out, but do you think that’s going to stop me from creating a list of this year’s must have music (the answer is absolutely not in case you didn’t catch my self-importance).

These are the top albums this year in no particular order (I don’t highlight singles, because I think they can be a misrepresentation of what an album truly is).

Sir Lucious Left Foot…The Son of Chico Dusty

Big Boi

This album reminds me of all the reasons why I’m still pissed off that OutKast broke up. Big Boi brings his regular style

  

  

How I Got Over

The Roots 

I’m a big fan of the Roots, so my opinion can be considered bias. However, I don’t know how anyone could argue with the merit of this album. One would think that the quality of their work would slip, because of their job as a house band for Jimmy Fallon, but this isn’t the case.

  

  

The Blueprint 3

Jay-Z

This is just another notch in Jay-Z’s belt. At this point his career is unexplainable. Dude is still getting better. At this pace I’m expecting at least two more retirements, and timeless classics.

  

  

Need You Now        

           

Lady Antebellum

It may surprise you that I have this on my list, but I have to respect the game. Not only is this album in my library, but it’s in rotation.

 

 

Thank Me Later

Drake

As much as it pains me say, this album is hot. I have this bet with my brother that Drake is all hype, and my bet isn’t looking good (We also have a side bet with Lady GaGa that still have a lot of faith in). I don’t know what he’s doing, but dude is delivering the mail.

 

Battle Studies

John Mayer

I totally understand why some people can’t stand this guy’s music. At times I even agree. This is not the case with this album. I believe it’s his most versatile album to date.

Hope you enjoyed my show.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on February 13, 2011 in Pop-Culture

 

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What No One Is Saying About The Cleveland Cavaliers 25 Game Losing Streak


There Is Nothing But Frustration In Cleveland

Let’s begin…

Now that the Cavaliers have set the record for longest losing streak in NBA history, I think it’s the perfect time to weigh in with some perspective (I didn’t want to talk about it before it happened, because I didn’t want to jinx the streak). For everyone that couldn’t understand why people in Cleveland were crying and burning LeBron‘s jersey after the decision…do you understand now? With that being said, don’t be fooled by what you hear. People talk about how the impact of LeBron is the reason why Cavaliers are losing, and that’s just not completely true. No player in the history of organized basketball is worth 60 wins. It’s easy to dismiss the Cleveland Cavaliers as a team that can’t win without their star player, but let’s examine the whole story.

The Cavs lost the best player in the NBA during free agency. I’m not going to argue that. As a matter of fact I think LeBron should get another MVP this year just for carrying that team for the last 7 years. What many people don’t talk about is that they also lost Delonte West, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, and Shaquille O’Neal during free agency (What? Did I really just throw Zydrunas Ilgauskas in there as a loss? We may disagree with on Ilgauskas, but I think we can all agree that Delonte’s guns will never be replaced). Couple that with injuries to Mo Williams and Anderson Varejao, and you have a team that could lose 25 games in a row. There is only one player currently playing for the Cavaliers that was a starter for the opening game of the 2009 – 2010 season. So it’s just lazy to say LeBron James is main reason why the Cavs are losing.

What’s happening to the Cleveland Cavaliers is extraordinary. I’ve never seen anything like this before. I have absolutely no faith in their ability to win. I would rather bet on a 6 year soccer team, before I bet the Cavs to cover in a parlay. At the same time if you know anything about the Cavaliers this shouldn’t be shocking (that was a dumb statement by me. I don’t know why the average person would know anything about the Cavs. There people in jail that have better things to do). The good thing is I’m a Cleveland fan, so I will break it down for you (Oh it just keeps getting better).

The Cavaliers struggled throughout the early 80s until they landed Brad Daugherty, Mark Price, Ron Harper and Larry Nance in 1986. The Cavs would be competitive for the next 6 years, and even reach the Eastern Conference Finals. When Cleveland’s core begin to age and retire the Cavs started to struggle again. From 1993 – 2003 they would wallow in mediocrity and never win a playoff series. In 2003 Cleveland drafted LeBron James, and we all know what happened after that. The Cavs would become one of the marquee teams in the NBA, and perennial title contender. After a one championship appearance and a decision, the Cavs were broken up. Now the Cavs are in there traditional low period, but how long will it last (This is where I come in. Watch me save the day)?

The Cavs need to finish what the “The Decision” started, and exile the rest of their core to South Beach. Everything incorporated with the LeBron James era needs to be severed, in order to create a new identity. They can start by either trading or buying out Anderson Varejao, Daniel Gibson, and maybe even Mo Williams. I say maybe Mo because he was not a part of Cleveland teams that had playoff success. I also think he would be an asset worth keeping if the Cavs can rebuild fast enough. They also need to sever ties with Anthony Parker and Antawn Jamison. They can wait on Parker, but I think they should trade Jamison now. Dude has about 4 days of Cavalier basketball left in him. I think they could do him and themselves a favor if they let him go. That would leave the Cleveland Cavaliers with a core of J.J. Hickson and Mo Williams. If they couple that with their lottery pick and trade acquisitions, the Cavaliers could be back in the playoffs in 2 years. Will they be title contenders in 6 years? I don’t know. What I do know is they won’t be losing 25 games in a row.

-Kortney Shane Williams

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Posted by on February 9, 2011 in Basketball

 

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Super Bowl XLV: Commercials, Lil Wayne, Black Eyed Peas, and Christina Aguilar


The Black Eyed Peas Gave Us A Halftime Show To Remember

GreenLet’s begin…

    I want to break down the Super Bowl without talking about the game. Why you ask…because I have heard enough Super Bowl analysis to last a lifetime. If another person tries to explain to me why the Packers won, I’m going to vomit (I also don’t want to talk about the game, because I lost some money on a bet). So I want to start by addressing the commercials. Now I’m not breaking new ground by saying those were some of the most under whelming commercials, in recent Super Bowl history. With that being said my two favorite commercials were: Doritos House Sitting and Budweiser Wild West (click the links to see them). That Wild West commercial was the funniest commercial all night. Something about Cowboys singing Elton John makes me smile. The weirdest thing about that commercial is, if Elton John were around during that time, they wouldn’t have allowed him in that bar (awkward).

   When did Lil Wayne get out of jail? Nobody told me (I almost forgot that he went to jail since dude drops a new album every Tuesday). I found out rather shockingly. I woke up Friday morning after having my usual cup of coffee, turned on ESPN, and there was Lil Wayne…in a green sweater vest, answering super bowl questions. I was like, “What” You’re not even going to acknowledge his recent vacation. I’m not the best interviewer, but I think you have to start by asking him about prison. Maybe see if he kicked his old habits, just say, “Hey Dwayne, do you still enjoy the purple drank? …you’re not going to answer? Well if you want us to promote this terrible rap song, you need to talk about your time in the clink…speaking of that rap song. What made you think green and yellow remix was a good idea? You can’t say it was because of the original song, because that version sucked too. So, the faster we get done talking about the purple drank, the fast we can get answers about that terrible song.” By the way, when did Lil Wayne become a Packers fan? I thought he was from New Orleans. “Those rappers will do anything to stay relevant (I said that in my old man from Tuscaloosa Alabama voice).”

     Next up, The Black Eyed Peas. What happened? I know the microphone had problems, but explain the sound of their voices. I was under the allusion that they could sing. Apparently I was wrong. They must use the same studio equipment that Ashlee Simpson uses (Shout out to Ashlee. Let me know when the new album is dropping, because I’m eager to find something to confusing). Having the Black Eyed Peas perform during the Super Bowl halftime show was a bad decision. Not because of the fact that they may or may not be able to sing (I’m going to go with can’t sing). The problem is they only have 3 good songs. Once they hit their limit they kind of looked at each other as to say, “Now how are we going to fill the last 15 minutes? We should have added a second impromptu verse to that last song. I have an idea, why don’t we stop the music, and announce to everyone that it’s time to take a bathroom break.”

    Now I have to address Christina Aguilar. “Oh Christina!?” I think Morgan Freeman said it best when trying to lobby for the United States to get the World Cup, “I’m sorry I missed a page.” Aguilar should adopt that quote as her Super Bowl manifesto. I’ve watched her version of the National Anthem about 6 times, and I still can’t figure it out. I even went as far as falling asleep to the audio. What was she trying to accomplish? I thought maybe she forgot the words, but she looked so confident. At one point I started questioning myself. “Maybe I have the words wrong. Let me Google it…no I stand corrected. She is making stuff up.” Now that I have had time to reflect, I think we should adopt Christina Aguilar’s version of the National Anthem as the official remix. We could get Timbaland to produce it while Christina does the vocals. Maybe we could even talk those cowboys from the Budweiser commercial into to the background. The only problem is we have to get Christina to remember the words.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on February 7, 2011 in Football, Pop-Culture

 

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The Public Has The Super Bowl Twisted


Will The Packers Win Super Bowl XLV?

Let’s begin…

I’m not sure what’s going on, but hopefully I missed something. I can’t figure out why everyone is picking the Green Bay Packers to win the super bowl. I hope people know that they are playing the Pittsburg Steelers. In case you forgot let me refresh your memory.

The 2010-2011 Pittsburg Steelers won the toughest division in football this season. They beat the 2nd and 3rd best teams in the NFL this year to get to the super bowl (Baltimore Ravens and New York Jets respectively). The Steelers also have Ben Roethlisberger, who by percentage is the second winningest quarterback in NFL playoff history (By the way dude is wearing two rings, so don’t try hitting me with the, “Well Aaron Rodgers only lost one playoff game.” No Ben is on a different level, so relax and try not to cry on your Packers Jersey). This is the team everyone is picking against. Are you kidding me?

I’m picking the Pittsburg Steelers to win the super bowl (in case you haven’t pick up on that by own), and the more people talk about how great the Packers are, the more confident I feel. It may seem like my opinion is based solely on the Steelers, but it actually based more on Green Bay.

Take a look at the teams the Packers beat to get in to the super bowl. The Philadelphia Eagles, with a terrible defense and a quarterback that was in prison 2 years ago, the Atlanta Falcons, who were the biggest fraud in the NFL, and the Chicago Bears, who ended up have to play their 3rd string rookie quarterback (By the way Chicago should have won that game). Now I will acknowledge that Aaron Rodgers is a good quarterback and maybe one day he will be great. However that’s one guy. Now I will give you Greg Jennings stretching the field and Charles Woodson locking down the corner (I love me some Charles Woodson). Those are strong points for the Packers, and probably an advantage. Green Bay’s problem will surface the first time James Harrison hits A.R.

Aaron Rodgers’ biggest flaw is his health. He was on fire during the NFC Championship, until Julius Peppers hit him. After the hit A.R. was not the same. That’s the blueprint to easily beating the Packers, and Pittsburg will execute it.

At the end of the day the Pittsburg Steelers are better on defense and at coach (I didn’t breakdown coaches because come on, that’s Mike Tomlin on the sideline. Even Packers fans think Pittsburg has better coaching). I have more confidence in the Pittsburg Steelers talent to show up in a big spot.

Steelers win, 28 – 19

-Kortney Shane Williams

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Posted by on February 3, 2011 in Football, NFL

 

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Let’s Stop With Carmelo Anthony Trade Speculation Already


Does It Matter Which New York Teams Picks Carmelo?

Let’s begin…

The Carmelo Anthony trade speculations has been nauseating (That may be too harsh of a word, but I do feel like throwing up. Mainly because of the Vodka last night, but it makes me feel better if I blame it on sports). By this time everyone knows Anthony will end up in New York. It’s just a question of when, and will it be the Nets or the Knicks.

What no one is asking is why.

Why is it worth me caring about where Carmelo Anthony is going to play? What has he done during his NBA career to garner this kind of attention? As much as I want Melo to go to the Knicks and matter, there’s a better chance that this could be Dominique Wilkins and Stacy Augman situation all over again, if he is eventually paired up with Amare Stoudemire. We have already seen Carmelo in this situation. He played with Kenyon Martin (a comparable athlete at the time) and he couldn’t get it done. Not only did he play with Martin, he played with a good supporting cast add a Hall of Fame head coach, and what do you get…early playoff exits (At one time he played with Allen Iverson. It sounded good at the time, now…not so good). Those teams were better than every Knicks team for the last 15 years, and he still got it done (You see what I did right there? I mix in a random stat to increase my credibility). So, good luck to the Knicks if you make that move.

I’m still not counting out the New Jersey Nets. I know Mikhail Prokhorov came out last week and said the Nets were out of the running, and as much as I respect his gangster (God knows I respect his gangster. Anytime someone accumulates a billion dollars with no receipts, I take notice). I just can’t believe an organization that will be opening a new arena in Brooklyn would pass on the opportunity to add one of Brooklyn’s own to their team. Call me a skeptic, but I think they want to sell tickets. The obvious problem with Melo going to the Nets is he will become even more irrelevant. If he thinks he doesn’t matter now, go to Nets. That’s the equivalent of quitting your job at Wal-Mart to work at a car wash.

Another question no one is asking is why Carmelo wants to leave. Everyone assumes he wants to win, or play in New York because that’s where he’s from. However, I strongly disagree with that assumption. Before this year you never heard about Anthony being disgruntled. He never complained of not winning or his need to play in New York. I thought he was having a great time in Denver scoring 30 points a game and not playing defense. Only thing that changed is that he got married. Ding, ding, ding (That’s me saying I just cracked the case. I actually made the noise out loud when I wrote that). His wife wants to live in New York…that means he wants to move to New York. So, let’s stop acting like Carmelo is fed up with underachieving.

*For the record I would never do that, because I wouldn’t have lived in Denver in the first place. No offense to Denver, that’s just too much snow.

I don’t know where Carmelo Anthony with play next year. I don’t know whether he will win a championship. I do know him leaving the Nuggets doesn’t garner the attention it’s getting. I also know has played on better teams than both the Knicks and Nets. So no matter where he goes expect what you’ve seen for the last 6 years. All I want to know is will La La take that Prokhorov money.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on January 28, 2011 in Basketball, Sports

 

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NFL Playoffs…Frauds Exposed


Will Sanchez Have To Run For His Life Against The Steelers?

Let’s begin…

I’m going to start with the NFC because when I think Fraud I think NFC

The biggest fraud in the NFL this year was the Atlanta Falcons. I never believed they were good. People keep telling me how great Matt Ryan is, but I’m not seeing it. Before I give someone that kind of credit you have beat somebody (I say that like Matt Ryan cares what I think). He is a good quarterback, but he’s not elite. So please stop comparing him to my man A.R. (That’s short for Aaron Rodgers. I talk to Aaron about the nickname and he’s cool with it).

Next we have the Seattle Seahawks. I’m not going to call them a fraud, because that word doesn’t describe them. I don’t believe anybody thought they were a good team. They over achieved this year. So, congratulations to the Seahawks, and enjoy the 25th pick.

Time for the AFC

The New England Patriots fooled us again. Sunday was Super bowl XLII all over again. The build up to the game was eerily similar. In one corner you had the Patriots led by Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. They were hitting on all cylinders leading up to the game. They were beating teams convincingly, and it looked like it was time to size them up for another super bowl ring. On the other side you had the New York Jets with a young quarterback, and a great defense. They had bravado, and the confidence of a team that felt like they were better. I couldn’t believe how much they reminded me of the 2007 New York Giants (I was expecting Plaxico Burress to come out of the locker room and start catching touchdowns from Mark Sanchez). The bottom line is the Jets have better players. The only weakness is at quarterback. (Hey Pats’ fans you may want to skip ahead to the next section, and act like the rest of this paragraph doesn’t exist). In a couple years Mark Sanchez will become a better player, and the Jets will dominate the AFC East. Let’s see if they can squeeze a super bowl out of this.

I have nothing critical to say about the Baltimore Ravens. That was a great football game. The Ravens vs. Steelers is a perfect display of what it takes to win. Baltimore did have a chance to win the game, but came up short. If I had to give Baltimore advice I would say, “Cut T.J. Houshmandzadeh, because he has no hands, and hire Trent Dilfer as a quarterback coach.”

NFC Championship

Green Bay Packers vs. Chicago Bears

I have no idea who will win this game. Every 15 minutes I change my mind. So, I have concluded there are a couple things you want to watch. If the Bears are able to get pressure without blitzing the Packers offense is in trouble. On the other hand the Packers defense is no slouch. Jay Cutler must protect the ball, and manage the game. If he does that, the Bears will win this game with their special teams’ play.

AFC Championship

New York Jets vs. Pittsburg Steelers

As much as I want to say this game is close, I just can’t buy in. The Jets are a good football team. They play great on defense, but are just okay on offense and special teams. It hasn’t been a problem yet but against the Steelers the youth of Mark Sanchez will be exposed. Just think about the teams the Jets beat, the Colts and the Patriots. Both of those teams are putrid on defense. This worked to the advantage of New York, because Sanchez was allowed to adjust to emotion and speed of the game, during his first couple of series. Against the Steelers they won’t have that luxury. From the first snap to the last, Jerome Harrison will be trying to take his head off. I think Sanchez will have a bad game, and ultimately spell the end for the New York Jets.

I’m picking the Pittsburg Steelers and the Chicago Bears to play in the super bowl. Now let’s watch the game, and laugh when I’m wrong.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on January 18, 2011 in Football, NFL

 

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Does LeBron James Have The Credibility of A Villain?


The Heat Are The Main Event In The NBA

Let’s begin…

After the Miami Heat paired Dwayne Wade with LeBron James and Chris Bosh this summer, they became the biggest attraction in the NBA. Since then the media has tried to cast the Miami Heat as the bad guys, and LeBron James as the villain of the NBA. Maybe it is the black uniforms, or the fact that LeBron James has worn fangs on his mouth piece (By the way what the hell was that? You have a mouth piece with fangs? Why don’t you just come out and say, “I really miss being in high school, so I decided to dress like one of the cool kids).” I would argue that they have been miscast.

Now I would concede that LeBron hasn’t done anything to quell the idea of him being a villain. He has even been quoted say, “…I’ve kind of accepted this kind of villain role that everyone has placed on me, and I’m OK with it.” He may be okay with being a villain, but is he worthy of the title.

What has LeBron done to be called a villain? The only people he terrorizes are Cavalier fans and anyone who watch that decision show. Villains are supposed to intimidate their opponents. Think about sports villains like Barry Bonds, Mike Tyson, Reggie Miller, and Charles Oakley. They scared people as soon as they walked into the Arena (There are still people scared of Oakley. Shoot, I’m scared of Charles Oakley). Nobody is scared of LeBron. As a matter of fact people like him.

Have you ever seen James before a game? He’s always trying to find an opponent to hug, and high five. He welcomes the crowd with a powder toss, and even showcases a trick shot or two. So, if he were a villain, he would be the one you loved, but didn’t trust. Kind of like Wile E. Coyote. (He’s that guy you can’t stand at work, but you still want him to help you move).

Even if LeBron tries to portray himself as a bad guy, he will never allow himself to be a villain. For the last 10 years James has crafted an image of being the good guy. “The athlete that fans love and every kid wants to be.” What makes anyone thinks he’s going to walk away that? This guy spent a minute and half asking the world, “What should I do?” So why don’t we hold off on giving LeBron James the villain title until further notice.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on January 13, 2011 in Basketball, Sports

 

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The National Title Belongs To The SEC Again; Kortney Shane’s College Football Season Review


Cam Newton Is A Champion, But For How Long?

Let’s begin…

Last night was a very interesting game. I knew it would start slow, because the stage was something these schools haven’t experienced. I didn’t think it would be so sloppy throughout the game. The biggest play on of the game occurred on a bad tackle. Where the runner, didn’t realize…he wasn’t tackled (what?). The execution on the field was terrible, and the coaching didn’t help.

I’m not going to blame everything on the coaching. What I will say is Gene Chizik is a bad coach and Chip Kelly is good to okay (Good in the Pac-10, and okay against everyone else). I thought Chizik’s approach hampered his offense. His play calling allowed Oregon to stay in the game. Auburn should have won that game by at least 14 points.

As for Chip Kelly, I tend to give him a bit of a pass. He’s coaching the players he has the best they can be coached. He has a small offensive line, and a defense that can kind of sort of create pressure. So, it makes sense that Kelly would try to play the edges of the field. At the same time if you’re a big time program, act like your big time. Play to win. Don’t run trick plays, and try to back door your way to a championship. GO WIN.

Now that the SEC has effectively dominated the entire college landscape, let’s stop arguing about what conference is the best. That’s like arguing about whether Amy Winehouse has a substance abuse problem. I know she has a problem, because I watched her do bumps on YouTube (See it here). And we know the SEC is the best conference, because they keep winning.

    This college football season was decent. While I enjoyed the games, there weren’t any great teams this year (It also didn’t help that Florida and Texas both had down seasons). That’s fine with me, because this year wasn’t about what happened on the field. This season will be remembered for rule violations and the hypocrisy of the NCAA. After seeing the way college football was expose for being the business that it is. I don’t know how anyone could deny that under this current format, college players should be compensated. I’m not talking about a suitcase full of case, or a scholarship (you know that scholarship they give to players, that’s supposed to convince everyone they’re actually students). I’m talking about a plan to funnel some of the money back to the individuals that are doing the work.

As long as this system stays the way it is. I will not condone or condemn any athlete with their hand out. So, I’m not slamming Cam Newton, A.J. Green, or the “Tat Five” at Ohio State. Instead I’m hoping that the playing field is made level for everyone. Now let’s count down the days until Auburn has the give back the National Title.

-Kortney Shane Williams

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NFL Wild Card Weekend, “Can You Believe it?”


Manning is a flash from the past

Let’s begin…

    Can you believe it? The Seattle Seahawks won this weekend. I was astonished, and immediately I thought the Saints were on the take. I want to pull Sean Payton aside and ask him to empty his pockets. He would probably start babbling before admitting that Pete Carroll had it direct deposited into his off shore account. The Seahawks did come to play. Their defense was good, the offense was serviceable, and Marshawn Lynch was a beast…on one play. That run by Marshawn Lynch was nasty. It reminded me of the running game in NFL Quarterback Club ’98. Every stiff arm you threw ended with the defender on their back (If you don’t know what that looks like. You Tube that Lynch run again). So big ups to Seattle. My dream is one step closer.

    This weekend was what everyone expected it would be (except for that Seahawks win/Payton payoff). The Ravens rolled while the Jets and Colts played a close game. As expected the most entertaining game this weekend was the Michael Vick Eagles vs. the Aaron Rodgers Packers. Going into the game I thought it was a toss-up. I picked the Philadelphia Eagles because they were the home team, but I had no confidence in the pick. Rogers and the Green Packers ultimately won the game after Vick through an interception.

Now that Aaron Rodgers has won a playoff game. I hear people saying he’s arrived as an elite quarterback in the NFL. Umm maybe it’s just me, but I thought he’s been elite for the last 2 years. You can’t name 5 quarterbacks better than Aaron Rodgers. Since Rodgers has been the fulltime starter for the Packers his touchdown to interception rating is 86 – 31 (respectively) and his quarterback rating is 98. So if it took until Sunday night to figure out dude is elite, you’re just not paying attention.

I want to close this out borrowing from Dennis Green, “He is who I think he is.” I’m talking about the great Peyton Manning. Can we officially stop with the greatest quarterback of all time comparisons? I’m not pinning this solely on the game yesterday, because Manning didn’t get any help yesterday. Even his coach made it tough on him. (When Jim Caldwell called that time out with time running out on the Jets game winning drive Peyton look at him with a face that said, “What are you doing!?” Caldwell look back with an expression that said, “Hey, don’t you see the Jets aren’t ready. I want to make sure they have enough time. I thought we both decided to choke this game away. I just want to do my part.”) The fact is over Manning’s career he’s been the greatest regular season quarterback of all time, and a playoff choker. The difference between him and Dan Marino is somehow Rex Grossman got to a Super bowl which he gave to Peyton Manning. “So if you want to crown him, crown him. But he is who I think he is.”

-Kortney Shane Williams

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Posted by on January 10, 2011 in Football, NFL

 

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What The Heck Is A Michigan Man?


Bo Schembechler

Let’s begin…

So Rich Rodriguez got fired twice by Michigan this week (his firing originally surfaced Tuesday thought the Detroit Free Press. Michigan denied the reports, and the next day they fired Rich Rod). That was cold blooded. I think he should have gotten fired two and a half. The last half was uncalled for.

Rodriguez never fit at Michigan. In college sports your coach has to be a representation of what your school stands for. From his spread offense to the teary-eyed speech at the team banquet. Rich Rod never said Michigan Football. A school like Michgan is hard to break into as an outsider. There’s too much tradition and too many old people longing for the way things use to be. If you’re going to be different you better produce, and even then you’re never fully accepted, just ask Les Miles (He has a national title and wins 10 games every year, yet everyone at LSU can’t stand him). Some would argue that only a “Michigan Man” can succeed at Michigan.

Alright, this whole Michigan Man thing is a crock. First off Bo Schembechler (he established the term Michigan Man) wasnt even from Michigan. As a matter of fact Shembechuler received a degree from Ohio State which is the opposite of Michigan. That’s like saying, “We need an actor” and you hire a porn star. If you win games no one cares who you are or where you came from.

Part of me wants to say, “Michigan…you’re Michigan! Why are you even looking for coaches? Coaches look for you.” Michigan is the winningest program in the country. This isn’t Notre Dame longing for the past, or the University of Miami who was a flash in the pan. This is Michigan…best job in the country.

The Big Ten is a conference that is struggling to remain elite. They need the University of Michigan in order to be a great conference. It has been widely reported that Michigan would like to hire Jim Harbaugh. A good coach who played at the University of Michigan (He also fulfills their “We Need A Michigan Man Theory”). I hope they get Harbaugh, but if they don’t. Remember the times of Bo Schembechler and hire somebody that will win.

-Kortney Shane

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It Would Be Great, If The Seattle Seahawks Won The Super Bowl


What If The Seattle Seahawks Win It All?

Let’s begin…

Now I’m not a fan of the Seattle Seahawks. I just think it would be great if the Seattle Seahawks won the super bowl, because they are terrible. Think about all the great story lines. Imagine a team winning a super bowl with a quarterback controversy (I can’t figure out how you have a quarterback controversy when the both stink. Just pick a pile of feces to play with), a losing record, and a city that doesn’t even want them in the playoffs (If the Seahawks lost Sunday they would have had the number 8 pick in the draft. They would have been able to get a quarterback, and cut one of those pile of feces). What would Roger Goodell say when he presents Pete Carroll with the Vince Lombardi trophy, “Congratulations to the Seahawks. I’m sure you all are just as shocked as everyone else. As soon as the FBI finishes investigating those Brett Favre photos, I’ll have them figure out who you paid to get here. So take this trophy and don’t tell anyone about this.”

The greatest thing that would come out of the Seahawks winning the super bowl is the silencing of the football purist that live to spout off principles about “what it takes to win.” “You have to have defense. Defense wins championships.” “No it’s not defense. You need great coaching.” If Seattle were to win those purist would blow their head off and analyst that believed the same way would have to find a new gimmick. I know ESPN is sweating, because have of their analyst are employed by them.

With all that being said the Seattle Seahawks have no shot. I mean none. There’s a better chance that Michael Vick will organize the 2010 Westminster dog show.

This is just a personal fantasy of mine. I know it won’t happen, but I will be routing for turmoil.

-Kortney Shane

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Posted by on January 4, 2011 in Football, NFL

 

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Refire The Miami Heat Hype; Can The Orlando Magic Win It All?


Another Christmas, Another LeBron James Win

Let’s begin…

I knew it would happen if Miami beat L.A. on Christmas day. I knew writers would fuel it, because of the easy story line. I thought the Lakers would stop it dead in it’s tracks. What I didn’t know is the Lakers could care less about it.

“It” is the hype machine. Let’s refire it.

The stage was set for the main event on Christmas day. The Miami Heat vs. the L.A. Lakers in the Staples Center, The Heat 3 versus Kobe and the boys. The game started at 5 o’ clock, but I’m still waiting for the Lakers to show up (Maybe there on Isaiah Rider time and they’ll show some time in the second quarter next week). I would like to say the Lakers quit, but that would be giving them too much credit. They just no showed.

I have to give Miami credit. They won the game. They showed up, and dominated. I don’t remember them missing a jump shot. It was like watching Pleasantville (when everyone was black and white…I think I’ll stop with the lame movie references). They didn’t make any detrimental mistakes the entire game, which is surprising because Eric Dampier and Joel Anthony are on the team. I didn’t even know they could catch a basketball. I saw the look in their eyes and they were shocked too. So, big ups to the Heat.

With that being said my opinion on the Heat hasn’t changed. I think they’re top 3 in the Eastern Conference and a championship contender. That opinion isn’t changing until they win something.

The Magic Back To How They Were?

I was somewhat impressed with the Orlando Magic, but more with what they did before the game.

The Magic made two huge trades last week. They brought back Hedo Turkoglu, and acquired Gilbert Arenas. More importantly, they got rid of Vice Carter and Rashard Lewis. Vince Carter has never went to another team, and made it better. He has always made the team worse. (If you don’t believe me look it up). The problem with Vince is he always shrinks on the big stage, milks injuries (By the way he hasn’t played a game since the trade because of…wait for it…a knee injury), and mails in games all the time. He’s, just, puree (A saying I made famous in high school, which means no one but me knows of it). Vince Carter is everything you don’t want in a franchise player.

As for Rashard Lewis, dude is just over paid. If he were making less money he would have stayed in Orlando. At least he gets to go to D.C. It should be easier for him to get his steroids there.

With the trades Orlando made they publicly admitted they made a mistake. They should have paid Hedo (Even though he’s over paid), because of what he was to their team. He was the guy that step up in clutch moments and led the team to the finals. He even made Rashard Lewis look good. Turkoglu has always been big time, even going back to his days in Sacramento. I don’t have much to say about Gilbert. I just hope he doesn’t bring guns in the locker room, or take a dump in someone shoes. So, I give the Magic credit for rectify their mistake.

I think Orland has gotten back to what made them a good team. They have a clear franchise player in Dwight Howard (please see this on Dwight Howard), and a proven clutch performer in Hedo Turkoglu. The fact that they beat Boston says nothing. If you want to dissect it, you could say Rajon Rondo and Kendrick Perkins weren’t playing. You could also say Orlando beat and lost to Boston in the playoffs, so the game proves nothing. What I saw was a group of players that all knew their roles. That’s what got Orlando to the Finals two years ago, and they now have a chance to win a championship.

-Kortney Shane

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Posted by on December 29, 2010 in Basketball, Sports

 

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Emergency Post: LeBron James Talks Contraction “Child Please”


Should James Stop Talking?

Let’s begin…

At what point is, “I’m just a young kid” no longer a valid excuse for making a bad decision? I think it’s at the age of 25 or whenever you start making adult decisions. Whichever comes first.

I’m just a young kid is LeBron James‘ go to move. More than his step back jumper, or a dunk in traffic. He loves to tell you how young and innocent he is.

In the latest edition of I’m just a kid. James made a comment over the weekend where he supports the idea of contraction, and all-stars teaming up in the NBA (personally I agree with the statement, because of the level of incompetence in certain organizations. Can you say, L.A. Clippers)? He stated that it would be a better league, because teams would be more competitive.

This statement is unpopular because people around the league will lose jobs, and the players union is trying to negotiate a deal with the NBA. The players union wants to get their clients the most money possible. In order to receive that money you have to show that the league is profitable and the players deserve a huge chunk. So, if teams are contracted it shows that teams aren’t profitable, and it hinders the players negotiating power. In conclusion LeBron helped the other team, which isn’t the first time. Please see 2010 playoff Boston game 5.

When LeBron was questioned about his comments he said, “I don’t even know what the word contraction means…” Really…you want me to believe you made it to the age of 26 without knowing the definition of contraction. Come on man. Don’t piss on me and tell me it’s raining because sooner or later I’m going to taste the salt.

If LeBron just came out and said I’m a douche people would respect him more. And if you don’t know what words mean, STOP TALKING. Take a page out of the Michael Jordan Hand Book For P.R. Dummies and say nothing (Jordan never took a stand on anything. You could ask him if Wheaties truly was the breakfast of champions and he’d plead the fifth). Everyday I’m happier he left Cleveland, and took his talents to South beach…another “I’m just a kid” move.

-Kortney Shane

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Posted by on December 28, 2010 in Basketball, Sports

 

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Christmas Day Basketball, Featuring Juggernauts


Will The Miam Heat Hype Machine Crank Up?

Let’s begin…

I can’t wait for the Christmas, because of the slate of intriguing NBA games. I feel like I’m 7 years old again I might just sleep by the Television and wake up every 15 minutes to see if it’s 11:30 (2:30 east coast time. Allow me to show some love to the west coast here. They have to watch the Seahawks play for goodness sake. Let me throw them a bone). This has been the most exciting NBA regular season since 1995 when Michael Jordan came back to the Chicago Bulls. The NBA has star power, intrigue, and most importantly…juggernauts. If I knew all it took was a decision by LeBron to create this kind of excitement? I would have signed up for it a long time ago. I would have even help scrounge up some kids to beef up that boys’ and girls’ audience.

Now there are plenty of people opposed to the NBA as currently constructed, because of the unwatchable teams at the bottom of the league. If that’s your concern I understand (Shoot I’m a Cleveland Cavaliers‘ fan, so I feel your pain. You couldn’t pay me to watch 82 games of that). This summer I thought this would be bad for the league. Then I realized, “I’m emotionally invested in the NBA during the summer? This is great.” Do you know what’s worse than having 15 unwatchable teams? (You’re not really supposed to think about that question. That’s just a non-rhetorical question that makes me feel like I’m making a groundbreaking point “I’m dropping knowledge”)…having 2 great teams and 25 uncompelling teams that are just okay (please see the NBA 1998 – 2004).

There are 8 NBA juggernauts in this order: Boston Celtics, San Antonio Spurs, L.A. Lakers, Dallas Mavericks, Miami Heat and Orlando Magic (tie), Chicago Bulls, and Oklahoma City Thunder (Feel free to complain). These teams have managed to make the regular season mean something, when it means nothing at all. I would argue out of all professional sports, basketball’s regular season means the least. In the last 10 years only 2 teams have led the regular season in wins and went on to win the championship. So, these Christmas day games are going to be great, but outcome it really doesn’t, unless Miami wins by double digits.

If the Miami Heat beat the L.A. Lakers convincingly; ESPN, VS, and even The Food Network, will re-fire the hype machine. You remember that machine…the one that continues to show the first 30 seconds of the decision, followed by the championship celebration in Miami the next day. It’s been out of order ever since Boston beat Miami for the second time and LeBron accidently bumped his coach on purpose. I don’t expect the out of order sign to come off of that machine. Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers will be ready to play. I think Kobe’s been ready to play ever since Miami celebrated their “9 consecutive championships” (They haven’t actually won 9 championships. Just in case some dope is looking that up). This game will be competitive, but the Lakers have too much for the Heat to deal with. Miami will lose this game, and sport networks will actually have to work for a lead story.

Enjoy the games and embrace the juggernauts. Personally I’m going to start taking Benadryl and drinking NyQuil, so I can fall asleep.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on December 24, 2010 in Basketball, Sports

 

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Emergency Post: “Make Way For Bill Cowher!”


Let’s begin…

Can we please stop with the Bill Cowher mania! He’s a good coach. I repeat, a good coach. He’s not exceptional by any stretch of the imagination. So I can’t figure why everybody is treating him like Vince Lombardi. Cowher is not going to turn around anybody’s franchise. He can get you over the hump if your team is ready to win, but what is that saying. If that’s what you’re looking for save 20 million dollars and higher Barry Switzer (In my opinion Switzer is a better coach than Cowher. That’s right I said it. Now give me time to put the cap back on this banana cognac).

Bill Cowher is going to get a head coaching job (probably in Miami) and he’s going to be over paid (just like 20 other NFL coaches). This doesn’t make him a bad hire (it would be a good hire for certain teams), it just makes him another NFL coach. So let’s stop treating him like the Dali Lama. This is an above average NFL coach trying to get a job. Treat him like Brian Billick, John Gruden, Jason Garrett, Leslie Frazier, and Urban Meyer (That’s right I said it).

Now let me get back to doing something important.

-Kortney Shane

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Posted by on December 23, 2010 in Football, NFL

 

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Kortney Shane’s College Football Preview: BCS Bowl Games 2010


Let’s begin…

First read the headline…now read it again. That means I will not be breaking down 6-5 teams playing in the Top Ramen bowl (I’d rather talk about high school volleyball). So this is my apology to fans of irrelevant teams, playing in irrelevant games.

Here are my picks for compelling non BCS bowl games

Boise State beats Utah

Now let’s move on.

Fiesta Bowl

Connecticut Huskies vs. Oklahoma Sooners

The Huskies are going to get their doors blown off. I’m not going to waste my time explaining why. My only question in regard to this game is…why does the Big East have an automatic bid. I don’t know why they can’t allow the 4th automatic bid to go to the highest ranked BCS team, who’s Conference is not already represented in a BCS bowl games (So this year TCU would have got the automatic bid, and that would have made way for Boise State to play in a BCS bowl).

Oklahoma win, 40 – 10

Orange Bowl

Virginia Tech Hokies vs. Stanford Cardinals

I’m telling you don’t buy the hype. That should be the title for this game and all the BCS bowl games for that matter. Everybody has been talking about how great Stanford and Andrew Luck are, it makes you believe they’re actually a good team. I hate to break the news (I’m lying right there. I love breaking news, especially when it makes me look good) but Stanford isn’t that good. Now before you tell me about how John Harbough is an NFL coach and Andrew Luck is the best quarterback since Nute Rockney. Allow me to ask you a question…who have they beat (Don’t worry I will give you time to think. I know it takes a while to mentally sift through all those Pac-10 juggernauts. By the way the Pac-10 is the most overrated conference in the country).

While you’re still thinking let me address Virginia Tech. As we all know the Hokies got off to a rough start. After losing to Boise State to open the season, they lost to James Madison (I know some of you’ll are confused. You thought James Madison was only a president. Well he also plays football in Division 1-AA. Now go back to figuring out who Stanford beat). What no one talks about is how Virginia Tech hasn’t lost since then. The Hokies ran away with the Coastal Conference of the ACC, and cap their run by winning the ACC Championship.

I respect Stanford as a football team, but I haven’t seen enough to say they have been truly tested. Virginia Tech will beat (hey you guys still thinking I’m making my pick) Stanford, because overall they have better players. Stanford won’t be able to keep up with their speed.

Hokies win 30 – 24

Sugar Bowl

Ohio State Buckeyes vs. Arkansas Razorbacks

In recent history the Ohio State Buckeyes have struggled against the SEC in bowl games. The Bucks have had trouble trying to stop the spread offense. Now they did beat Oregon last year (who runs a spread offense), but maybe it was in admiration.

The Arkansas Razorbacks are a good team that has proved themselves in the SEC. They have an NFL quarterback and a serviceable coach. However they’re not that good. Now I give them credit for over achieving, but Ohio State isn’t going to give them any. “So congratulations Arkansas now brace for a beating.” They have no business playing in this game. You may say, “Ohio State struggles with the SEC.” I agree that they have struggled, but this team is barely a top 5 SEC team.

Ohio State should beat Arkansas in dominating fashion.

Buckeyes win, 30 – 20

Rose Bowl

TCU Horned Frogs vs. Wisconsin Badgers

This is the best game out of all of the bowl games. I’m expecting a heavy weight championship fight. You have the bruising running game of Wisconsin in one corner, and TCU’s defense in the other corner.

I hear people trying to downgrade TCU because of their competition, and I agree. I don’t think they are the 3rd best team in the country. However, that doesn’t matter. I judge teams based on what I see. I saw TCU play, and they have the best defense in the Country. I think it will make for an interesting game, because Wisconsin has the best running game in the country. The Horn Frogs offense is also underrated. Their senior quarterback Andy Dalton can flat out play. I think their passing game could pose serious problems for the Badgers.

I had the misfortune of experiencing Wisconsin when they beat Ohio State (And man did they beat them. I haven’t seen someone dominate the spotlight like that since Beyoncé was in Destiny’s Child). Wisconsin is a good football, and they’ll be ready to play. Some of their wins are a bit overrated, but they won the games. The problem with Wisconsin is their biggest strength is their biggest flaw. The Badgers run the ball, run the ball, and run the ball. That’s a good way to win in the Big Ten, but when you play warm weather games on a neutral field. You have to be able to throw the ball.

I think TCU will stop Wisconsin’s running game and narrowly win this game.

Horned Frogs win, 22 – 20

The BCS National Championship

Oregon Ducks vs. Auburn Tigers

Auburn is better than Oregon. However, the best team doesn’t always win. So allow me to make a case for Oregon.

The Ducks have the most efficient offense in college football (by efficient I mean they score fast…I wanted to define that is case you didn’t have a dictionary handy, or hadn’t left your house since 1910). Their spread offense is not like the other ones being run in college football. Usually a spread offense is based on a finesse style of play where the object is to get the ball to your athletes in space. Oregon’s offense can not only spread you out, but with LaMicheal James they have the ability to be a power running team. This makes the opposition vulnerable to play action passing one every play. Consequently your defense is never comfortable and always off balance. Defensively the ducks are extremely limited. They play great with a lead, but in tight games their flaws are evident.

The Auburn Tigers are the best team in the country. With Cam Newton they have the ability to control your entire team. Newton single handedly got Auburn to the national championship (which is what you’re supposed to do when you’re getting paid).I would like t be able to point to all the qualities Auburn has, but I can’t find them. I don’t know how they beat LSU, Arkansas, and Alabama. I picked against Auburn in every big game. I’m not going to look like an idiot again. The Tigers are beast. Cam Newton will earn his pay check.

Tigers win, 35 – 21

-Kortney Shane

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How Does Donovan McNabb Do IT?


McNabb Benched Again

Let’s begin…

    This weekend Donovan McNabb will be benched by Mike Shanahan in favor of Rex Grossman. That’s right Rex Grossman. I can’t figure out how that guy is still in the NFL. I thought somebody from Chicago killed him after he gave away the super bowl. I wonder if Grossman has ever been a good player. I know he had a great career at the University of Florida, but so did Danny Wuerffel. Wuerffel was also a terrible NFL player, but he managed to go away subtlety (Kind of the way ABC stopped making that Caveman Television show. What an epic fail that was). That’s Grossman’s biggest flaw…he just won’t go away. Rex Grossman is to the NFL what Roaches are to Studio Apartments.

    Donovan McNabb is getting replaced for the 4th time in a little over 2 years. So, if twice is a trend…what’s four times. Is Donovan a good quarterback? I’m not sure. I want to say he’s a great quarterback, because of his history. However, if someone is great and they know they’re great…why doesn’t he defend himself?

    Why does McNabb never step up and say something. From the time he was drafted (He was booed on draft night) until now Donovan has doubted and disrespected. And he has also never said a word about it. I wish I were Donovan McNabb for a day. I’d say what he won’t, “Terrell Owens sucks! I can’t stand that guy. Andy Reed is still my boy. I know he had to trade me. Look Mike Vick is a beast, so it’s cool. Now Mike Shanahan on the other hand is a terrible coach. He’s overrated and red in the face. What’s that all about? How do you get that tan in Washington? Even black be people are surprised by his hue. He told me that I wasn’t going to start this weekend. I know I am not as good as I was, but don’t bring in Rex Grossman. I’d rather get traded to the Bills than lose my job to him…” I would be happy if he said anything close to that, but he hasn’t. And I don’t think that he will. So until then, you can catch McNabb this Sunday on Washington’s bench.

    I don’t know what the future holds for Donovan McNabb. I think he will play for the Arizona Cardinals next year, but beware…Max Hall will be looking over his shoulder.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on December 19, 2010 in Football

 

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“Hey New York I Thought Everyone Wanted To Play There…You Should Have Told Cliff Lee”


Cliff Lee Stuns New York

Let’s begin…

“Oh Cliff, thanks for giving me a knife to stick in the side of New York’s delusion.” When you talk to a New York sports fan they have a way about them (I would call it swagger, but their confidence is based on being something they’re not). Everybody says, “New York always gets there man.” That’s all I ever hear. Well somebody should have told Carl Crawford and Cliff Lee (I’m still waiting on LeBron James to show up. “You promised him to me. Somebody get Isaiah Thomas on the phone.”). Both of them spurned New York this summer for another franchise.

I have to give Cliff Lee credit. He used two teams as pawns in order to get what he really wanted.

  1. A Chance to be competitive every year
  2. Pitching in the National League
  3. No Pressure

I can’t wait to watch the press conference. I’m expecting him to show up with Don King and Nick Saban. Cliff Lee will step to the microphone and say, “These are two of my three best friends. Shout out to Kanye West, he couldn’t make it. Nick told me not to talk too much. So, I’m happy to be a Philly and let’s go Heat.”

I’m not going to completely dump on New York, because they did sign one big free agent “number 2, Derek Jeter (pronounced Jee-tah), number 2″ Oh yeah, and good luck signing Andy Pettitte. I think the city on New York should put some money together, and buy C.C. Sabathiaa back brace. He’s going to be sore carrying that pitching staff.

The truth about New York is no one wants to play there. That’s why they have to over pay superstars. If it were true that everyone wanted to play in New York, the Knicks and Mets would be contenders every year. A majority of athletes and people don’t want to live in cold weather. In order to get someone to do something they don’t want to do. You have to entice them. That is why the Yankees are the best franchise in baseball. They’re willing to pay you to be uncomfortable (Boston is also willing to do it, because the Yankees have forced them to do it). However if all things are equal…there are a lot of people lining up to take their talents to South Beach. That is why New York sports fans are delusional. They have one friend that’s good looking but, they all walk around like they’re hottest girl in the club. When in actuality, if your friend isn’t with you? You should be at a truck looking for change.

In this last paragraph I’m going to grab the Yankee fans off the Brooklyn Bridge (It will probably be a while before you had the chance to jump, because you have all those Mets’ fans in front of you). The Red Sox or the Yankees will represent the American League in the World Series (I give the nod to Boston because they have better pitching but its close). They have the best 2nd baseman in baseball (Robinson Cano) and a 1st baseman (Mark Teixeira) in the top three. And they also have tons of money. So, they’ll be okay.

Now excuse me while I figure out who the Cleveland Indians are going to bring in.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on December 14, 2010 in Baseball

 

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Kortney Shane’s College Football 2010 Season Review “Thank You Cam Newton!”


Cameron And Cecil Newton Got Paid?

Let’s begin…

My take away from this season is one thing, Cam Newton. There are other stories that I will talk about, but Newton is the main event. So let me get the undercards out of the way.

The most surprising story this year is the Texas Longhorns. Now I know they lost Colt McCoy (McCoy was their quarterback for the previous 4 years and currently holds the records for most career wins in college football. He now plays for the Cleveland Browns which I think is the highlight of his career), but you’re Texas. You’re supposed to get quarterbacks like Bill Cosby gets Jell-O pudding, “very easily.” Texas has decided to fire their offensive coordinator which is a bit of a knee jerk, but after this kind of season someone has to go. They’ll be better next year…I think so.

The most overrated portion of College Football is the Pac-10. Now before I rip the Pac-10 allow me to say I love the west coast. As a matter of fact I live in Seattle. I think there are serviceable football teams in this time zone, and some excellent quarterbacks. However this is not a great place for football. Between Google, lattes, and tree hugging there is no emotion left for sports. So to compare the Pac-10 to the SEC is about as smart as Jake Locker coming back to school another year (Even Lindsay Lohan thinks that was a bad decision). If you give the Pac-10 time and patience, they will come through below the big boys every time.

Over the last year and two months Urban has conducted a clinic on how to quit a job after success. If you didn’t attend the clinic, shame on you because it was open to the public. After two titles and Tim Tebow, Meyer saw that he was at the top of the heap. Actually it wasn’t a heap. It was more like a cliff, with mediocrity and irrelevance at the bottom. So, what does Urban do? He toys publicly with the idea of retiring (because he knew it was going to be tough to stay on top), and eventually ends up coming back for another year. Now he decides walks away after taking half a step off that cliff (He probably saw a lot of jagged rocks and Nick Saban laughing at him).

Urban Meyer said he retired from the Florida Gators to be with his family. Coaching at a high level is time consuming and unhealthy. Only thing that makes coaching worse is losing. I think it’s odd when people want to spend more time with their family as soon as their ship starts sinking. I’m not going to say he is lying. I will say he hasn’t coached his last game. “Urban thanks for showing the public how to get out. Now get in there and coach the Denver Broncos.”

Finally we arrive, Cam Newton!

First let’s get something straight. Cameron Newton got paid to play college football…now let’s move on.

For the last year I’ve been trying to think of a way to pay college players without creating a competitive advantage for NCAA teams (if you have any suggestions email me). Amidst my struggle, here come Cam Newton and his pops. Until I figure that out I want to formally adopt Cecil Newton’s (Cam’s father (I like to call him Don King Jr)) pay for play scheme. So, until I figure out a solution, “Parents are the only people allowed to negotiate contracts for college athletes. It’s only right that kids get paid. Now excuse me…I have to figure out how to keep Boise State out of the BCS.”

Cameron Newton has game. Anyone would like to have a player like him on their team. I watched this guy week after week trying to find the flaws in his game, and every week I ended up disappointed. I would mumble under my breath, “There’s no way a guy could win with a team that bad. His coach is Gene Chizik for goodness sake. Prior to this year his record was 13-24.”

I am skeptical about how much he will win as an NFL quarterback, because the guy has a lot of LeBron James in him (You win big individually but you can never quite get over the hump and win championships at the highest level). During an interview he uttered the phrase, “…I also told him. I was going to take my talents to Auburn.” That phrase should be on the ban list in the “Good P.R. Handbook.” Stop with the “taking of talents.” Especially is you’ve already stole a laptop, cheated on a test, and lied to the NCAA. How about you take the money from Auburn and go to the NFL.

The college football season was good. I could have done without all the Pac-10 breakdowns and BCS debate shows. The only thing that pisses me off more than the BCS, is people that debate it at nauseam. We all get it the BCS stinks, but it’s not going away. Treat the BCS like a spouse that you owe a lifetime of alimony. The only way to stop it is to kill it. So let’s be quiet until it dies.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on December 10, 2010 in College Sports, Football

 

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LeBron James Made The Right Decision. I Just Wish He Would Take His Goons With Him.


Who Knew LeBron James Still Had Teamates That Play For The Cavaliers

Who Knew LeBron James Still Had Teamates That Play For The Cavaliers

Let’s begin…

    So that happened!

    I wasn’t surprised about the outcome of the Miami Heat and Cleveland Cavaliers game Thursday night. LeBron James had a great game in his return to Cleveland. He scored 38 points in the first 3 quarters, as the Heat routed the Cavaliers (He didn’t play the fourth quarter. I think he was busy laughing at the people that thought it would be a good game). That’s what you’re supposed to do when Jamario Moon is guarding you. Moon couldn’t stop a faucet from running, so what makes you think he could stop LeBron James?

    What did surprise me was the way Daniel Gibson, Jawad Williams, and Anderson Varejao treated LeBron. They hugged and joked with him like they were still playing on the same team. Halfway through the first quarter I couldn’t figure out if the crowd was booing LeBron, or the dopes on the Cavs bench. I have never been able to figure out how people have fun getting their ass kicked.

Dan Gilbert (Cavaliers owner) did not return to his seats in the second half. I hope he was in his office doing shots of jack, trying to figure out how to trade LeBron goons. I will personally donate $50 and a bag of Sun Chips towards the effort.

Several times during the second half LeBron taunted the Cavs bench. I was waiting for someone to stand up and do something about it, but they laughed it off, “Oh that’s Bron being Bron. Yeah, he’s kicking our teeth in, but look at all the fun we’re having.” And that’s when it hit me, LeBron James was right to leave.

Occasionally I will run into someone, and as soon as they find out I’m from Cleveland Ohio (My family moved to Florida when I was ten. That means my father was the first to take his talents to Florida.), they ask me what I think about LeBron James. I usually say, “I have no problem with his decision. I would have left as well. My problem is he made it into a television show.” The problem is they can hear the venom in my voice, see my change in posture. I speak for sports fans in Cleveland when I say. LeBron James was more than a small forward for the Cavaliers. He was hope for a city that is desperate to win.

Hope is dangerous to have in sports. It’s something that makes you believe, but when it leaves it can make you hate that you ever had it (For everyone outside of Cleveland, imagine how you felt when Obama was elected. Now imagine the economic downturn afterwards…welcome to Cleveland). Cleveland is a city that has seen their chances at a championship folded, fumbled, and driven away. LeBron “Taking his talents to South Beach” was just another punch to the gut. That’s a punch that 7 million people got to see the results of on Thursday night.

    Now that Miami beat Cleveland everyone wants to know what it means. It means nothing! The Cleveland Cavaliers are a bad team that got embarrassed by a good team. Miami will win in between 45 and 50 games, before they flame out in the second round of the playoffs. The Heat will not be a championship team until they make a decision at point guard and obtain a strong inside presence. Speaking of an inside presence, where the hell was Eric Dampier? I thought he was the second coming. The guy that was going to help the Heat win the 7 championships LeBron promised. I guess sometime after they signed him and before the Thursday night, the Heat realized, “We signed Eric Dampier? The same Eric Dampier that averaged 5 points and 6 rebounds in the 2006 playoffs…that guy sucks!” (In 2006 the Heat beat the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA Finals. At least Dampier helped Miami win one championship). The Heat will be a true Championship contender in a couple years. By that time it I wonder if Cleveland will have new hope to cling on to.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on December 4, 2010 in Basketball

 

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Kortney Shane’s College Football Preview: Week 14


The SEC Championship Is This Saturday. Is Cam Newton Ready?

Let’s begin…

    There’s a lot to talk about.

There’s only one appropriate place to start…Boise State. What happened? As soon as I got on the Boise State bandwagon, the wheels fell off. Maybe the kicker shanked the wheels off? I’m not going to ask how he missed a game winning kick, because I saw his form. By him missing that kick Boise not only missed a chance at a title game, but they also missed out on about $9 million dollars (that’s the money you get for a BCS game appearance, and if you’re wondering the players don’t get any of it. I know that was stressing you out. That’s why I’m here). With that kind of financial hit, I wonder how Boise State is going to afford to paint their field blue.

I completely whiffed on the Auburn vs. Alabama game. I don’t know if Alabama knows, but there is a second half. I’m still waiting for the team that played in the first half to come out of the locker room. I think I speak for Auburn University when I say, “Cam Newton was money well spent.” If you’re going to risk you integrity on someone, risk it on a player that can get you to the title game. I think Auburn should thank Pete Carroll for the blueprint. I suggest they send him a Christmas card.

I want someone to explain to me why TCU went to the Big East. The automatic bid into a BCS bowl game is attractive, but the Big East is terrible. I hate to break the news, but TCU is not any closer to a championship game. As a matter of fact I think it’s easier for them to win a championship now. If I were TCU I would stay in the Mountain West, play maybe two good teams a year, and let everyone else be pissed off because I stole a bowl bid.

My game of the week is the South Carolina Gamecocks vs. the Auburn Tigers

Breakdown

There’s no need to breakdown this game. They played in week 4 so we already know how they match up. I would like to pick South Carolina to win the game. However, it doesn’t seem that smart.

When they played earlier this year South Carolina was beating Auburn by 14 before the Tigers made a comeback and eventually won the game. So does that mean Auburn will win? They do have the best player in college football, and they’re undefeated. At the same time their coaching stinks, and they’ve been winning by comeback victories. Eventually luck will run out…will it run out Saturday?

These teams are even. I have a rule of thumb when college teams are even (rule of thumb? What was that?). Go with the best coach. I’m going with Steve Spurrier.

Gamecocks win, 27 – 23

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

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This Thursday LeBron James’ Talents Will Be In Cleveland Ohio


This Thursday December 2nd LeBron Will Be In Cleveland, But Will He Bring His Powder?

Let’s begin…

On December 2nd at 8pm TNT will have my undivided attention. LeBron James and his talents will be in Cleveland Ohio at the Quicken Loans Arena.

Now this is great for me. I’m a Cleveland sports fan, and this is one of two times i will be able to see my team on television. I will also get to see the smile on Dan Gilbert‘s face as the city of Cleveland welcomes LeBron. I wouldn’t be surprised if Gilbert flies in Delonte West and seats him behind the Miami’s bench.

Now I’m not delusional. I’m expecting Cleveland to not only lose but be dominated by Miami. I expect LeBron to channel is inner Wilt Chamberlain, and go for 100 points.

I also think the Cleveland Arena to be the ugliest scene in the NBA since the malice in the palace. I think beers and batteries will be thrown. I believe the over under on in game interruptions sits at 3 (and I’m taking the over). I only have one request from Cleveland fans. At some point in the game I want everyone to stand up, grab their elbow, and chant, “Game 5, Game 5, Game 5.”

After this summer I’m not sure how smart LeBron James is. I know LeBron James the publicist, should not only be fired, but he should be pelted with common sense. Many people believe his public image can’t get lower. However, I believe his public image elevator could find a trap door in the basement if he decides to throws chalk up into the air Thursday night.

LeBron James has no perception of reality (If you don’t know that, you’re just not paying attention). Why don’t we take a look at the past? He wore a Yankees cap to an Indians home playoff game, and dismissed it by saying he grew up a Yankees fan. When he was called out for quitting on his team, he used his elbow as an excuse. And he used a $2.5 million dollar donation to the Boys and Girls Club, as a pawn in his narcissistic approach to “The Decision”. The public could accept his excuses as fact, because he was able to hide any malicious intent. However, that will change if on December 2nd, he continues his pregame tradition of tossing chalk into the air (a tradition that belong to Kevin Garnett before him and Michael Jordan before him). That action will not only be a kick in the groin for Cleveland, but it will be an unveiling of the character of someone that was idolized. Someone who would like you to believe he’s a kid that has just made some mistakes.

There are times when you have to deal with your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend. On December 2nd LeBron James will walk into his ex-boyfriend’s house with his new lover. He should be proud of what he has now, but don’t forget about who use to love you. Respect the fans, take the boos, and for goodness sake don’t throw powder in their faces.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

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KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

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Posted by on November 30, 2010 in Basketball, Sports

 

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The NFL…Boring?


The NFL and Celebrations Should Go Hand and Hand

Let’s begin…

    I know I’m not supposed to say this, but overall the NFL hasn’t been exciting this year. I know people will argue with me and regurgitate the rhetoric of NFL analyst. You’ll try to tell me that the NFL is must watch television, but I don’t see it. Maybe you’re living in the past when the NFL had personalities and fun. However in 2006, fun began to be stripped from the NFL by commissioner Goodell.

In 2006 Roger Goodell was chosen to become commissioner of the NFL. He wasted no time in deciding to make Public Enemy Number One “fun”.

Now I don’t blame him for focusing on behavior in the NFL, because the players were out of their minds. Bill Belichick was stealing opponents’ signals, Pacman Joneswas starting gun fights at strip clubs, and Mike Vick was running a dogfighting ring. So there was a need for someone to come in and establish order. The problem is Goodell wanted to be a first ballot Hall of Fame kill joy (kill joy? Why did I write that? I couldn’t think of anything better), so he couldn’t stop there. Next on the agenda was to ban celebrations.

I have never heard a valid argument as why celebrations should be banned. People talk about the integrity of the game and respecting your opponent. What’s respectful about giving a 20 year old man paralysis? I know the goal is to distract me, but I’ve seen the NFL integrity, and it’s brought to you by Geico. So spare me the Vince Lombardi speech. I think banning celebrations stripped the NFL of the personality that brought people like me to the game. Think about Deion Sanders (who is the best athlete to ever play the game). He wouldn’t be able to step on the field without being fined.

Now I’m not saying the NFL doesn’t have a good product. As a matter of fact they have a great product, and there are still players I like to see. I like watching Michael Vick baffle defenses and Peyton Hillis run over linebackers. The problem is I don’t like watching Peyton Manning (I know I just blasphemed, but Manning is about as exciting as a M. Night Shyamalan film). Couple that with the television networks, which have made a conscious effort to force the Colts down my throat. And you have something that I’m not excited to watch.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on November 29, 2010 in Football, NFL

 

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Kortney Shane’s College Football Preview: Week 13


There Will Be Some Long Faces In Tuscaloosa This Weekend.

Let’s begin…

    It’s time for Rivalry week in college football. So, this week will not be deprived of great matchups. You have Ohio State and Michigan, the greatest rivalry in sports. The problem with this game is Michigan will be playing. I don’t know if you’ve seen their defense lately, but they couldn’t stop water with an off switch. Oklahoma and Oklahoma State also play this weekend. I think the Sooners will win this game and bring the Cowboys back to earth. My game of the week is Auburn vs. Alabama.

Breakdown

    The Auburn Tigers will be going to Tuscaloosa this weekend to take on the Alabama Crimson Tide. Now I thought that this game would have title implications for both teams, but with Alabama having two losses, it’s clear that they have no chance to make the title game. I even think the will struggle to get into a BCS Bowl game. With that being said, the only thing better than going to the national title, is keeping your rival from winning the national title. That’s what Alabama has a chance to do this weekend.

Cam Newton and the Auburn Tigers, better be ready to go to battle this weekend. I think this is going to be their toughest game this season. The Auburn Tigers have the personnel to dominate Alabama. They have the best offensive weapon in college football (Cam Newton), and…that’s it. Okay let’s be honest Auburn is going to have to put forth a man size effort to even stay in the game this weekend.

If this game were being played on a neutral field I would pick Auburn. Even though Alabama and Auburn are instate rivals, I don’t think Alabama would rise to the occasion. The problem for Auburn is, the game is in Tuscaloosa, and the coach on the other sideline is Nick Saban. In order for Auburn to win Cam Newton will have to have an incredible game. I don’t think he’ll be able to do it. Auburn will be dominated on Saturday in every aspect of the game. With a loss, Auburn will prevent 2 potential college football catastrophes. First it will prevent the need for Auburn to vacate a national championship. Second it will stop Boise State from complaining every offseason. They will finally get their title shot, and a chance to prove everyone wrong. I hope everyone can stomach a Boise State vs. Oregon in the national championship. The Alabama Crimson Tide will win.

Roll Tide, 14 – 31

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

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Posted by on November 25, 2010 in Football

 

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Did The Sweater Vest Fool You? Yes Jim Tressel Plays The Game Too.


Let’s begin…

   Tressel Hiding the Vest

               First off, I think Jim Tressel knew that his players broke the rules, and I think he lied hoping that the issue would go away. Once the issue came to light he owned up to what he did, because he had nowhere else to turn.  With that being said, is anyone surprised? This is the state of collegiate athletics. It’s a system based on the exploitation of individuals that are denied the opportunity to profit off of their skills (The only other place you see this sort of system: The Black Market, Prostitution, Black Market Prostitution, and AAU Basketball.  But that’s a different column). Big time college sports are dirty, and when you’re in a dirty industry it’s hard to be clean and successful. Just ask Randy Shannon of the University of Miami what a clean program gets you (fired, in case you’re wondering).

               Ohio State publicly reprimanded Jim Tressel yesterday in a press conference. They suspended him for 2 games and docked him $250,000. To someone this might be justice.  I just call it hypocrisy.  The very players HE covered for got a five game suspension, and Tressel only got two? At the same time isn’t it also hypocritical that Terrell Pryor and the tattoo five get to play? But then again, this is the spoils of collegiate athletics.  It was also hypocritical that Cam Newton got to play last season, win the National Championship and a Heismann Trophy? And while we’re at it lets sprinkle a little Reggie Bush scandal in there. The entire scope of college sports is hypocritical. So, can we please stop the farce that is, “College Student-Athletes” and start paying these young professionals.

Hard at Work

                 There is too much money involved in college sports to call it amateur athletics. Even Don King thinks college sports are immoral (okay, maybe his vote doesn’t really count, but still). There needs to be a union to represent these players. I propose the idea of giving players the option of a scholarship or cash (I’m talking straight cash homie). The amount of money would be collectively bargained through the union. If players opt for the cash, then they would forfeit the right to all amenities normally supplied by the university including tuition, books, and housing (I’m talking about being a straight pro homie).

However, until changes are made, these are the rules. Jim Tressel violated the rules, and should be punished. You can suspend him and his sweater vest for the entire season, but it’s not going to fix the problem.  You have to end this idea of amateur athletics, and start compensating players. Now excuse me I have to wire some money to Thad Matta.

 

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

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KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

http://thekortneyshanepillar.wordpress.com/

 
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Posted by on August 19, 2011 in Uncategorized

 
 
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