I want to break down the Super Bowl without talking about the game. Why you ask…because I have heard enough Super Bowl analysis to last a lifetime. If another person tries to explain to me why the Packers won, I’m going to vomit (I also don’t want to talk about the game, because I lost some money on a bet). So I want to start by addressing the commercials. Now I’m not breaking new ground by saying those were some of the most under whelming commercials, in recent Super Bowl history. With that being said my two favorite commercials were: Doritos House Sitting and Budweiser Wild West (click the links to see them). That Wild West commercial was the funniest commercial all night. Something about Cowboys singing Elton John makes me smile. The weirdest thing about that commercial is, if Elton John were around during that time, they wouldn’t have allowed him in that bar (awkward).
When did Lil Wayne get out of jail? Nobody told me (I almost forgot that he went to jail since dude drops a new album every Tuesday). I found out rather shockingly. I woke up Friday morning after having my usual cup of coffee, turned on ESPN, and there was Lil Wayne…in a green sweater vest, answering super bowl questions. I was like, “What” You’re not even going to acknowledge his recent vacation. I’m not the best interviewer, but I think you have to start by asking him about prison. Maybe see if he kicked his old habits, just say, “Hey Dwayne, do you still enjoy the purple drank? …you’re not going to answer? Well if you want us to promote this terrible rap song, you need to talk about your time in the clink…speaking of that rap song. What made you think green and yellow remix was a good idea? You can’t say it was because of the original song, because that version sucked too. So, the faster we get done talking about the purple drank, the fast we can get answers about that terrible song.” By the way, when did Lil Wayne become a Packers fan? I thought he was from New Orleans. “Those rappers will do anything to stay relevant (I said that in my old man from Tuscaloosa Alabama voice).”
Next up, The Black Eyed Peas. What happened? I know the microphone had problems, but explain the sound of their voices. I was under the allusion that they could sing. Apparently I was wrong. They must use the same studio equipment that Ashlee Simpson uses (Shout out to Ashlee. Let me know when the new album is dropping, because I’m eager to find something to confusing). Having the Black Eyed Peas perform during the Super Bowl halftime show was a bad decision. Not because of the fact that they may or may not be able to sing (I’m going to go with can’t sing). The problem is they only have 3 good songs. Once they hit their limit they kind of looked at each other as to say, “Now how are we going to fill the last 15 minutes? We should have added a second impromptu verse to that last song. I have an idea, why don’t we stop the music, and announce to everyone that it’s time to take a bathroom break.”
Now I have to address Christina Aguilar. “Oh Christina!?” I think Morgan Freeman said it best when trying to lobby for the United States to get the World Cup, “I’m sorry I missed a page.” Aguilar should adopt that quote as her Super Bowl manifesto. I’ve watched her version of the National Anthem about 6 times, and I still can’t figure it out. I even went as far as falling asleep to the audio. What was she trying to accomplish? I thought maybe she forgot the words, but she looked so confident. At one point I started questioning myself. “Maybe I have the words wrong. Let me Google it…no I stand corrected. She is making stuff up.” Now that I have had time to reflect, I think we should adopt Christina Aguilar’s version of the National Anthem as the official remix. We could get Timbaland to produce it while Christina does the vocals. Maybe we could even talk those cowboys from the Budweiser commercial into to the background. The only problem is we have to get Christina to remember the words.
-Kortney Shane Williams
Comedian and Writer