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Super Bowl XLV: Commercials, Lil Wayne, Black Eyed Peas, and Christina Aguilar


The Black Eyed Peas Gave Us A Halftime Show To Remember

GreenLet’s begin…

    I want to break down the Super Bowl without talking about the game. Why you ask…because I have heard enough Super Bowl analysis to last a lifetime. If another person tries to explain to me why the Packers won, I’m going to vomit (I also don’t want to talk about the game, because I lost some money on a bet). So I want to start by addressing the commercials. Now I’m not breaking new ground by saying those were some of the most under whelming commercials, in recent Super Bowl history. With that being said my two favorite commercials were: Doritos House Sitting and Budweiser Wild West (click the links to see them). That Wild West commercial was the funniest commercial all night. Something about Cowboys singing Elton John makes me smile. The weirdest thing about that commercial is, if Elton John were around during that time, they wouldn’t have allowed him in that bar (awkward).

   When did Lil Wayne get out of jail? Nobody told me (I almost forgot that he went to jail since dude drops a new album every Tuesday). I found out rather shockingly. I woke up Friday morning after having my usual cup of coffee, turned on ESPN, and there was Lil Wayne…in a green sweater vest, answering super bowl questions. I was like, “What” You’re not even going to acknowledge his recent vacation. I’m not the best interviewer, but I think you have to start by asking him about prison. Maybe see if he kicked his old habits, just say, “Hey Dwayne, do you still enjoy the purple drank? …you’re not going to answer? Well if you want us to promote this terrible rap song, you need to talk about your time in the clink…speaking of that rap song. What made you think green and yellow remix was a good idea? You can’t say it was because of the original song, because that version sucked too. So, the faster we get done talking about the purple drank, the fast we can get answers about that terrible song.” By the way, when did Lil Wayne become a Packers fan? I thought he was from New Orleans. “Those rappers will do anything to stay relevant (I said that in my old man from Tuscaloosa Alabama voice).”

     Next up, The Black Eyed Peas. What happened? I know the microphone had problems, but explain the sound of their voices. I was under the allusion that they could sing. Apparently I was wrong. They must use the same studio equipment that Ashlee Simpson uses (Shout out to Ashlee. Let me know when the new album is dropping, because I’m eager to find something to confusing). Having the Black Eyed Peas perform during the Super Bowl halftime show was a bad decision. Not because of the fact that they may or may not be able to sing (I’m going to go with can’t sing). The problem is they only have 3 good songs. Once they hit their limit they kind of looked at each other as to say, “Now how are we going to fill the last 15 minutes? We should have added a second impromptu verse to that last song. I have an idea, why don’t we stop the music, and announce to everyone that it’s time to take a bathroom break.”

    Now I have to address Christina Aguilar. “Oh Christina!?” I think Morgan Freeman said it best when trying to lobby for the United States to get the World Cup, “I’m sorry I missed a page.” Aguilar should adopt that quote as her Super Bowl manifesto. I’ve watched her version of the National Anthem about 6 times, and I still can’t figure it out. I even went as far as falling asleep to the audio. What was she trying to accomplish? I thought maybe she forgot the words, but she looked so confident. At one point I started questioning myself. “Maybe I have the words wrong. Let me Google it…no I stand corrected. She is making stuff up.” Now that I have had time to reflect, I think we should adopt Christina Aguilar’s version of the National Anthem as the official remix. We could get Timbaland to produce it while Christina does the vocals. Maybe we could even talk those cowboys from the Budweiser commercial into to the background. The only problem is we have to get Christina to remember the words.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

www.facebook.com/kshanecomedy

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KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

https://thekortneyshanepillar.wordpress.com/

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Posted by on February 7, 2011 in Football, Pop-Culture

 

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The Public Has The Super Bowl Twisted


Will The Packers Win Super Bowl XLV?

Let’s begin…

I’m not sure what’s going on, but hopefully I missed something. I can’t figure out why everyone is picking the Green Bay Packers to win the super bowl. I hope people know that they are playing the Pittsburg Steelers. In case you forgot let me refresh your memory.

The 2010-2011 Pittsburg Steelers won the toughest division in football this season. They beat the 2nd and 3rd best teams in the NFL this year to get to the super bowl (Baltimore Ravens and New York Jets respectively). The Steelers also have Ben Roethlisberger, who by percentage is the second winningest quarterback in NFL playoff history (By the way dude is wearing two rings, so don’t try hitting me with the, “Well Aaron Rodgers only lost one playoff game.” No Ben is on a different level, so relax and try not to cry on your Packers Jersey). This is the team everyone is picking against. Are you kidding me?

I’m picking the Pittsburg Steelers to win the super bowl (in case you haven’t pick up on that by own), and the more people talk about how great the Packers are, the more confident I feel. It may seem like my opinion is based solely on the Steelers, but it actually based more on Green Bay.

Take a look at the teams the Packers beat to get in to the super bowl. The Philadelphia Eagles, with a terrible defense and a quarterback that was in prison 2 years ago, the Atlanta Falcons, who were the biggest fraud in the NFL, and the Chicago Bears, who ended up have to play their 3rd string rookie quarterback (By the way Chicago should have won that game). Now I will acknowledge that Aaron Rodgers is a good quarterback and maybe one day he will be great. However that’s one guy. Now I will give you Greg Jennings stretching the field and Charles Woodson locking down the corner (I love me some Charles Woodson). Those are strong points for the Packers, and probably an advantage. Green Bay’s problem will surface the first time James Harrison hits A.R.

Aaron Rodgers’ biggest flaw is his health. He was on fire during the NFC Championship, until Julius Peppers hit him. After the hit A.R. was not the same. That’s the blueprint to easily beating the Packers, and Pittsburg will execute it.

At the end of the day the Pittsburg Steelers are better on defense and at coach (I didn’t breakdown coaches because come on, that’s Mike Tomlin on the sideline. Even Packers fans think Pittsburg has better coaching). I have more confidence in the Pittsburg Steelers talent to show up in a big spot.

Steelers win, 28 – 19

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

www.facebook.com/kshanecomedy

www.youtube.com/kshanecomedy

KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

https://thekortneyshanepillar.wordpress.com/

 
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Posted by on February 3, 2011 in Football, NFL

 

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NFL Playoffs…Frauds Exposed


Will Sanchez Have To Run For His Life Against The Steelers?

Let’s begin…

I’m going to start with the NFC because when I think Fraud I think NFC

The biggest fraud in the NFL this year was the Atlanta Falcons. I never believed they were good. People keep telling me how great Matt Ryan is, but I’m not seeing it. Before I give someone that kind of credit you have beat somebody (I say that like Matt Ryan cares what I think). He is a good quarterback, but he’s not elite. So please stop comparing him to my man A.R. (That’s short for Aaron Rodgers. I talk to Aaron about the nickname and he’s cool with it).

Next we have the Seattle Seahawks. I’m not going to call them a fraud, because that word doesn’t describe them. I don’t believe anybody thought they were a good team. They over achieved this year. So, congratulations to the Seahawks, and enjoy the 25th pick.

Time for the AFC

The New England Patriots fooled us again. Sunday was Super bowl XLII all over again. The build up to the game was eerily similar. In one corner you had the Patriots led by Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. They were hitting on all cylinders leading up to the game. They were beating teams convincingly, and it looked like it was time to size them up for another super bowl ring. On the other side you had the New York Jets with a young quarterback, and a great defense. They had bravado, and the confidence of a team that felt like they were better. I couldn’t believe how much they reminded me of the 2007 New York Giants (I was expecting Plaxico Burress to come out of the locker room and start catching touchdowns from Mark Sanchez). The bottom line is the Jets have better players. The only weakness is at quarterback. (Hey Pats’ fans you may want to skip ahead to the next section, and act like the rest of this paragraph doesn’t exist). In a couple years Mark Sanchez will become a better player, and the Jets will dominate the AFC East. Let’s see if they can squeeze a super bowl out of this.

I have nothing critical to say about the Baltimore Ravens. That was a great football game. The Ravens vs. Steelers is a perfect display of what it takes to win. Baltimore did have a chance to win the game, but came up short. If I had to give Baltimore advice I would say, “Cut T.J. Houshmandzadeh, because he has no hands, and hire Trent Dilfer as a quarterback coach.”

NFC Championship

Green Bay Packers vs. Chicago Bears

I have no idea who will win this game. Every 15 minutes I change my mind. So, I have concluded there are a couple things you want to watch. If the Bears are able to get pressure without blitzing the Packers offense is in trouble. On the other hand the Packers defense is no slouch. Jay Cutler must protect the ball, and manage the game. If he does that, the Bears will win this game with their special teams’ play.

AFC Championship

New York Jets vs. Pittsburg Steelers

As much as I want to say this game is close, I just can’t buy in. The Jets are a good football team. They play great on defense, but are just okay on offense and special teams. It hasn’t been a problem yet but against the Steelers the youth of Mark Sanchez will be exposed. Just think about the teams the Jets beat, the Colts and the Patriots. Both of those teams are putrid on defense. This worked to the advantage of New York, because Sanchez was allowed to adjust to emotion and speed of the game, during his first couple of series. Against the Steelers they won’t have that luxury. From the first snap to the last, Jerome Harrison will be trying to take his head off. I think Sanchez will have a bad game, and ultimately spell the end for the New York Jets.

I’m picking the Pittsburg Steelers and the Chicago Bears to play in the super bowl. Now let’s watch the game, and laugh when I’m wrong.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

www.facebook.com/kshanecomedy

www.youtube.com/kshanecomedy

KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

https://thekortneyshanepillar.wordpress.com/

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2011 in Football, NFL

 

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The National Title Belongs To The SEC Again; Kortney Shane’s College Football Season Review


Cam Newton Is A Champion, But For How Long?

Let’s begin…

Last night was a very interesting game. I knew it would start slow, because the stage was something these schools haven’t experienced. I didn’t think it would be so sloppy throughout the game. The biggest play on of the game occurred on a bad tackle. Where the runner, didn’t realize…he wasn’t tackled (what?). The execution on the field was terrible, and the coaching didn’t help.

I’m not going to blame everything on the coaching. What I will say is Gene Chizik is a bad coach and Chip Kelly is good to okay (Good in the Pac-10, and okay against everyone else). I thought Chizik’s approach hampered his offense. His play calling allowed Oregon to stay in the game. Auburn should have won that game by at least 14 points.

As for Chip Kelly, I tend to give him a bit of a pass. He’s coaching the players he has the best they can be coached. He has a small offensive line, and a defense that can kind of sort of create pressure. So, it makes sense that Kelly would try to play the edges of the field. At the same time if you’re a big time program, act like your big time. Play to win. Don’t run trick plays, and try to back door your way to a championship. GO WIN.

Now that the SEC has effectively dominated the entire college landscape, let’s stop arguing about what conference is the best. That’s like arguing about whether Amy Winehouse has a substance abuse problem. I know she has a problem, because I watched her do bumps on YouTube (See it here). And we know the SEC is the best conference, because they keep winning.

    This college football season was decent. While I enjoyed the games, there weren’t any great teams this year (It also didn’t help that Florida and Texas both had down seasons). That’s fine with me, because this year wasn’t about what happened on the field. This season will be remembered for rule violations and the hypocrisy of the NCAA. After seeing the way college football was expose for being the business that it is. I don’t know how anyone could deny that under this current format, college players should be compensated. I’m not talking about a suitcase full of case, or a scholarship (you know that scholarship they give to players, that’s supposed to convince everyone they’re actually students). I’m talking about a plan to funnel some of the money back to the individuals that are doing the work.

As long as this system stays the way it is. I will not condone or condemn any athlete with their hand out. So, I’m not slamming Cam Newton, A.J. Green, or the “Tat Five” at Ohio State. Instead I’m hoping that the playing field is made level for everyone. Now let’s count down the days until Auburn has the give back the National Title.

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

www.facebook.com/kshanecomedy

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KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

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NFL Wild Card Weekend, “Can You Believe it?”


Manning is a flash from the past

Let’s begin…

    Can you believe it? The Seattle Seahawks won this weekend. I was astonished, and immediately I thought the Saints were on the take. I want to pull Sean Payton aside and ask him to empty his pockets. He would probably start babbling before admitting that Pete Carroll had it direct deposited into his off shore account. The Seahawks did come to play. Their defense was good, the offense was serviceable, and Marshawn Lynch was a beast…on one play. That run by Marshawn Lynch was nasty. It reminded me of the running game in NFL Quarterback Club ’98. Every stiff arm you threw ended with the defender on their back (If you don’t know what that looks like. You Tube that Lynch run again). So big ups to Seattle. My dream is one step closer.

    This weekend was what everyone expected it would be (except for that Seahawks win/Payton payoff). The Ravens rolled while the Jets and Colts played a close game. As expected the most entertaining game this weekend was the Michael Vick Eagles vs. the Aaron Rodgers Packers. Going into the game I thought it was a toss-up. I picked the Philadelphia Eagles because they were the home team, but I had no confidence in the pick. Rogers and the Green Packers ultimately won the game after Vick through an interception.

Now that Aaron Rodgers has won a playoff game. I hear people saying he’s arrived as an elite quarterback in the NFL. Umm maybe it’s just me, but I thought he’s been elite for the last 2 years. You can’t name 5 quarterbacks better than Aaron Rodgers. Since Rodgers has been the fulltime starter for the Packers his touchdown to interception rating is 86 – 31 (respectively) and his quarterback rating is 98. So if it took until Sunday night to figure out dude is elite, you’re just not paying attention.

I want to close this out borrowing from Dennis Green, “He is who I think he is.” I’m talking about the great Peyton Manning. Can we officially stop with the greatest quarterback of all time comparisons? I’m not pinning this solely on the game yesterday, because Manning didn’t get any help yesterday. Even his coach made it tough on him. (When Jim Caldwell called that time out with time running out on the Jets game winning drive Peyton look at him with a face that said, “What are you doing!?” Caldwell look back with an expression that said, “Hey, don’t you see the Jets aren’t ready. I want to make sure they have enough time. I thought we both decided to choke this game away. I just want to do my part.”) The fact is over Manning’s career he’s been the greatest regular season quarterback of all time, and a playoff choker. The difference between him and Dan Marino is somehow Rex Grossman got to a Super bowl which he gave to Peyton Manning. “So if you want to crown him, crown him. But he is who I think he is.”

-Kortney Shane Williams

Comedian and Writer

www.facebook.com/kshanecomedy

www.youtube.com/kshanecomedy

KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

https://thekortneyshanepillar.wordpress.com/

 
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Posted by on January 10, 2011 in Football, NFL

 

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What The Heck Is A Michigan Man?


Bo Schembechler

Let’s begin…

So Rich Rodriguez got fired twice by Michigan this week (his firing originally surfaced Tuesday thought the Detroit Free Press. Michigan denied the reports, and the next day they fired Rich Rod). That was cold blooded. I think he should have gotten fired two and a half. The last half was uncalled for.

Rodriguez never fit at Michigan. In college sports your coach has to be a representation of what your school stands for. From his spread offense to the teary-eyed speech at the team banquet. Rich Rod never said Michigan Football. A school like Michgan is hard to break into as an outsider. There’s too much tradition and too many old people longing for the way things use to be. If you’re going to be different you better produce, and even then you’re never fully accepted, just ask Les Miles (He has a national title and wins 10 games every year, yet everyone at LSU can’t stand him). Some would argue that only a “Michigan Man” can succeed at Michigan.

Alright, this whole Michigan Man thing is a crock. First off Bo Schembechler (he established the term Michigan Man) wasnt even from Michigan. As a matter of fact Shembechuler received a degree from Ohio State which is the opposite of Michigan. That’s like saying, “We need an actor” and you hire a porn star. If you win games no one cares who you are or where you came from.

Part of me wants to say, “Michigan…you’re Michigan! Why are you even looking for coaches? Coaches look for you.” Michigan is the winningest program in the country. This isn’t Notre Dame longing for the past, or the University of Miami who was a flash in the pan. This is Michigan…best job in the country.

The Big Ten is a conference that is struggling to remain elite. They need the University of Michigan in order to be a great conference. It has been widely reported that Michigan would like to hire Jim Harbaugh. A good coach who played at the University of Michigan (He also fulfills their “We Need A Michigan Man Theory”). I hope they get Harbaugh, but if they don’t. Remember the times of Bo Schembechler and hire somebody that will win.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

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KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

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It Would Be Great, If The Seattle Seahawks Won The Super Bowl


What If The Seattle Seahawks Win It All?

Let’s begin…

Now I’m not a fan of the Seattle Seahawks. I just think it would be great if the Seattle Seahawks won the super bowl, because they are terrible. Think about all the great story lines. Imagine a team winning a super bowl with a quarterback controversy (I can’t figure out how you have a quarterback controversy when the both stink. Just pick a pile of feces to play with), a losing record, and a city that doesn’t even want them in the playoffs (If the Seahawks lost Sunday they would have had the number 8 pick in the draft. They would have been able to get a quarterback, and cut one of those pile of feces). What would Roger Goodell say when he presents Pete Carroll with the Vince Lombardi trophy, “Congratulations to the Seahawks. I’m sure you all are just as shocked as everyone else. As soon as the FBI finishes investigating those Brett Favre photos, I’ll have them figure out who you paid to get here. So take this trophy and don’t tell anyone about this.”

The greatest thing that would come out of the Seahawks winning the super bowl is the silencing of the football purist that live to spout off principles about “what it takes to win.” “You have to have defense. Defense wins championships.” “No it’s not defense. You need great coaching.” If Seattle were to win those purist would blow their head off and analyst that believed the same way would have to find a new gimmick. I know ESPN is sweating, because have of their analyst are employed by them.

With all that being said the Seattle Seahawks have no shot. I mean none. There’s a better chance that Michael Vick will organize the 2010 Westminster dog show.

This is just a personal fantasy of mine. I know it won’t happen, but I will be routing for turmoil.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

www.facebook.com/kshanecomedy

www.youtube.com/kshanecomedy

KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

https://thekortneyshanepillar.wordpress.com/

 
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Posted by on January 4, 2011 in Football, NFL

 

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