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Emergency Post: “Make Way For Bill Cowher!”


Let’s begin…

Can we please stop with the Bill Cowher mania! He’s a good coach. I repeat, a good coach. He’s not exceptional by any stretch of the imagination. So I can’t figure why everybody is treating him like Vince Lombardi. Cowher is not going to turn around anybody’s franchise. He can get you over the hump if your team is ready to win, but what is that saying. If that’s what you’re looking for save 20 million dollars and higher Barry Switzer (In my opinion Switzer is a better coach than Cowher. That’s right I said it. Now give me time to put the cap back on this banana cognac).

Bill Cowher is going to get a head coaching job (probably in Miami) and he’s going to be over paid (just like 20 other NFL coaches). This doesn’t make him a bad hire (it would be a good hire for certain teams), it just makes him another NFL coach. So let’s stop treating him like the Dali Lama. This is an above average NFL coach trying to get a job. Treat him like Brian Billick, John Gruden, Jason Garrett, Leslie Frazier, and Urban Meyer (That’s right I said it).

Now let me get back to doing something important.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

www.facebook.com/kshanecomedy

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KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

https://thekortneyshanepillar.wordpress.com/

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Posted by on December 23, 2010 in Football, NFL

 

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How Does Donovan McNabb Do IT?


McNabb Benched Again

Let’s begin…

    This weekend Donovan McNabb will be benched by Mike Shanahan in favor of Rex Grossman. That’s right Rex Grossman. I can’t figure out how that guy is still in the NFL. I thought somebody from Chicago killed him after he gave away the super bowl. I wonder if Grossman has ever been a good player. I know he had a great career at the University of Florida, but so did Danny Wuerffel. Wuerffel was also a terrible NFL player, but he managed to go away subtlety (Kind of the way ABC stopped making that Caveman Television show. What an epic fail that was). That’s Grossman’s biggest flaw…he just won’t go away. Rex Grossman is to the NFL what Roaches are to Studio Apartments.

    Donovan McNabb is getting replaced for the 4th time in a little over 2 years. So, if twice is a trend…what’s four times. Is Donovan a good quarterback? I’m not sure. I want to say he’s a great quarterback, because of his history. However, if someone is great and they know they’re great…why doesn’t he defend himself?

    Why does McNabb never step up and say something. From the time he was drafted (He was booed on draft night) until now Donovan has doubted and disrespected. And he has also never said a word about it. I wish I were Donovan McNabb for a day. I’d say what he won’t, “Terrell Owens sucks! I can’t stand that guy. Andy Reed is still my boy. I know he had to trade me. Look Mike Vick is a beast, so it’s cool. Now Mike Shanahan on the other hand is a terrible coach. He’s overrated and red in the face. What’s that all about? How do you get that tan in Washington? Even black be people are surprised by his hue. He told me that I wasn’t going to start this weekend. I know I am not as good as I was, but don’t bring in Rex Grossman. I’d rather get traded to the Bills than lose my job to him…” I would be happy if he said anything close to that, but he hasn’t. And I don’t think that he will. So until then, you can catch McNabb this Sunday on Washington’s bench.

    I don’t know what the future holds for Donovan McNabb. I think he will play for the Arizona Cardinals next year, but beware…Max Hall will be looking over his shoulder.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

www.facebook.com/kshanecomedy

www.youtube.com/kshanecomedy

KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

https://thekortneyshanepillar.wordpress.com/

 
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Posted by on December 19, 2010 in Football

 

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The NFL…Boring?


The NFL and Celebrations Should Go Hand and Hand

Let’s begin…

    I know I’m not supposed to say this, but overall the NFL hasn’t been exciting this year. I know people will argue with me and regurgitate the rhetoric of NFL analyst. You’ll try to tell me that the NFL is must watch television, but I don’t see it. Maybe you’re living in the past when the NFL had personalities and fun. However in 2006, fun began to be stripped from the NFL by commissioner Goodell.

In 2006 Roger Goodell was chosen to become commissioner of the NFL. He wasted no time in deciding to make Public Enemy Number One “fun”.

Now I don’t blame him for focusing on behavior in the NFL, because the players were out of their minds. Bill Belichick was stealing opponents’ signals, Pacman Joneswas starting gun fights at strip clubs, and Mike Vick was running a dogfighting ring. So there was a need for someone to come in and establish order. The problem is Goodell wanted to be a first ballot Hall of Fame kill joy (kill joy? Why did I write that? I couldn’t think of anything better), so he couldn’t stop there. Next on the agenda was to ban celebrations.

I have never heard a valid argument as why celebrations should be banned. People talk about the integrity of the game and respecting your opponent. What’s respectful about giving a 20 year old man paralysis? I know the goal is to distract me, but I’ve seen the NFL integrity, and it’s brought to you by Geico. So spare me the Vince Lombardi speech. I think banning celebrations stripped the NFL of the personality that brought people like me to the game. Think about Deion Sanders (who is the best athlete to ever play the game). He wouldn’t be able to step on the field without being fined.

Now I’m not saying the NFL doesn’t have a good product. As a matter of fact they have a great product, and there are still players I like to see. I like watching Michael Vick baffle defenses and Peyton Hillis run over linebackers. The problem is I don’t like watching Peyton Manning (I know I just blasphemed, but Manning is about as exciting as a M. Night Shyamalan film). Couple that with the television networks, which have made a conscious effort to force the Colts down my throat. And you have something that I’m not excited to watch.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

www.facebook.com/kshanecomedy

www.youtube.com/kshanecomedy

KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

https://thekortneyshanepillar.wordpress.com/

 
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Posted by on November 29, 2010 in Football, NFL

 

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2010 NFL First Half Synopsis


Ray Lewis Introduces Himself To Mark Sanchez Photo courtesy of http://turnonthejets.com/tag/jack-simmons/

 

Let’s begin…

    We are now virtually half way through the NFL season, so let me way in.

  • I like to wait till I can get a gauge on the season before i give an opinion. I don’t want to look like an idiot, picking Dallas to go to the super bowl just to feel like an idiot as the wet the bed for the first 17 weeks. By the way, could someone tell NBC to stop with the “Dallas Cowboys are Americas team.” They haven’t contended for the championship since the 90’s. If Dallas is America’s team, Ronald Regan is president.
  • Randy Moss is playing for his third team in just one year. Moss’ career is interesting. You would never think that a hall of Fame player would be reduced to a 3rd round pick, and the waiver wire. Randy Moss is the personification of a fine girl in high school that never developed social skills. Now that she’s 34 and her breasts are starting to drag. She’s reduced to reminiscing about how things use to be.
  • Is it possible to move the Buffalo Bills to Canada? Having them around is not good. That team is so bad, that their bringing the property value down in L.A.
  • Michael Vick is back, and he is a better quarterback than he was with the Falcons. Why you ask. I blame it on the braids. If you’re a man and your hair is twisted in any fashion the chances of you making a bad decision increase by 35%.
  • Ndamukong Suh is a BEAST.

 

The beginning of this football season reminds me of a strip club that tries to keep men out of the back room. Only reason creeps go to the strip club is for the backroom. Sure there are some people there that just want to eat lunch while they listen to a girl talking about how much money she needs for college, but if your business was made popular because of the back room, good luck trying to regulate it. If you’re wondering, the backroom in the strip club is equivalent to big hits in the NFL.

The NFL is banning “devastating hits” to prolong the careers of their labor force. I think I will take this sentence to say that is ridiculous. Outlawing devastating hits it will on delay the inevitable. Your product is based on 250 pound men hitting targets while running full speed. Oh and by the way, those targets are also running full speed. Football is a barbaric sport by nature. If you allow Ray Lewis to hit you every Sunday for 16 weeks, eventually your appendix will explode. You and I know that football isn’t safe, but more importantly the players know. So, if a man decides that’s how they want to make their living. I’m not going to stop it. I’m going to enjoy it on my couch every weekend, while I chant, “Spaniard, Spaniard”.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

www.facebook.com/kshanecomedy

www.youtube.com/kshanecomedy

KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

https://thekortneyshanepillar.wordpress.com/

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2010 in Football

 

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