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“Hey New York I Thought Everyone Wanted To Play There…You Should Have Told Cliff Lee”


Cliff Lee Stuns New York

Let’s begin…

“Oh Cliff, thanks for giving me a knife to stick in the side of New York’s delusion.” When you talk to a New York sports fan they have a way about them (I would call it swagger, but their confidence is based on being something they’re not). Everybody says, “New York always gets there man.” That’s all I ever hear. Well somebody should have told Carl Crawford and Cliff Lee (I’m still waiting on LeBron James to show up. “You promised him to me. Somebody get Isaiah Thomas on the phone.”). Both of them spurned New York this summer for another franchise.

I have to give Cliff Lee credit. He used two teams as pawns in order to get what he really wanted.

  1. A Chance to be competitive every year
  2. Pitching in the National League
  3. No Pressure

I can’t wait to watch the press conference. I’m expecting him to show up with Don King and Nick Saban. Cliff Lee will step to the microphone and say, “These are two of my three best friends. Shout out to Kanye West, he couldn’t make it. Nick told me not to talk too much. So, I’m happy to be a Philly and let’s go Heat.”

I’m not going to completely dump on New York, because they did sign one big free agent “number 2, Derek Jeter (pronounced Jee-tah), number 2″ Oh yeah, and good luck signing Andy Pettitte. I think the city on New York should put some money together, and buy C.C. Sabathiaa back brace. He’s going to be sore carrying that pitching staff.

The truth about New York is no one wants to play there. That’s why they have to over pay superstars. If it were true that everyone wanted to play in New York, the Knicks and Mets would be contenders every year. A majority of athletes and people don’t want to live in cold weather. In order to get someone to do something they don’t want to do. You have to entice them. That is why the Yankees are the best franchise in baseball. They’re willing to pay you to be uncomfortable (Boston is also willing to do it, because the Yankees have forced them to do it). However if all things are equal…there are a lot of people lining up to take their talents to South Beach. That is why New York sports fans are delusional. They have one friend that’s good looking but, they all walk around like they’re hottest girl in the club. When in actuality, if your friend isn’t with you? You should be at a truck looking for change.

In this last paragraph I’m going to grab the Yankee fans off the Brooklyn Bridge (It will probably be a while before you had the chance to jump, because you have all those Mets’ fans in front of you). The Red Sox or the Yankees will represent the American League in the World Series (I give the nod to Boston because they have better pitching but its close). They have the best 2nd baseman in baseball (Robinson Cano) and a 1st baseman (Mark Teixeira) in the top three. And they also have tons of money. So, they’ll be okay.

Now excuse me while I figure out who the Cleveland Indians are going to bring in.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

www.facebook.com/kshanecomedy

www.youtube.com/kshanecomedy

KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

https://thekortneyshanepillar.wordpress.com/

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Posted by on December 14, 2010 in Baseball

 

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Kortney Shane’s College Football 2010 Season Review “Thank You Cam Newton!”


Cameron And Cecil Newton Got Paid?

Let’s begin…

My take away from this season is one thing, Cam Newton. There are other stories that I will talk about, but Newton is the main event. So let me get the undercards out of the way.

The most surprising story this year is the Texas Longhorns. Now I know they lost Colt McCoy (McCoy was their quarterback for the previous 4 years and currently holds the records for most career wins in college football. He now plays for the Cleveland Browns which I think is the highlight of his career), but you’re Texas. You’re supposed to get quarterbacks like Bill Cosby gets Jell-O pudding, “very easily.” Texas has decided to fire their offensive coordinator which is a bit of a knee jerk, but after this kind of season someone has to go. They’ll be better next year…I think so.

The most overrated portion of College Football is the Pac-10. Now before I rip the Pac-10 allow me to say I love the west coast. As a matter of fact I live in Seattle. I think there are serviceable football teams in this time zone, and some excellent quarterbacks. However this is not a great place for football. Between Google, lattes, and tree hugging there is no emotion left for sports. So to compare the Pac-10 to the SEC is about as smart as Jake Locker coming back to school another year (Even Lindsay Lohan thinks that was a bad decision). If you give the Pac-10 time and patience, they will come through below the big boys every time.

Over the last year and two months Urban has conducted a clinic on how to quit a job after success. If you didn’t attend the clinic, shame on you because it was open to the public. After two titles and Tim Tebow, Meyer saw that he was at the top of the heap. Actually it wasn’t a heap. It was more like a cliff, with mediocrity and irrelevance at the bottom. So, what does Urban do? He toys publicly with the idea of retiring (because he knew it was going to be tough to stay on top), and eventually ends up coming back for another year. Now he decides walks away after taking half a step off that cliff (He probably saw a lot of jagged rocks and Nick Saban laughing at him).

Urban Meyer said he retired from the Florida Gators to be with his family. Coaching at a high level is time consuming and unhealthy. Only thing that makes coaching worse is losing. I think it’s odd when people want to spend more time with their family as soon as their ship starts sinking. I’m not going to say he is lying. I will say he hasn’t coached his last game. “Urban thanks for showing the public how to get out. Now get in there and coach the Denver Broncos.”

Finally we arrive, Cam Newton!

First let’s get something straight. Cameron Newton got paid to play college football…now let’s move on.

For the last year I’ve been trying to think of a way to pay college players without creating a competitive advantage for NCAA teams (if you have any suggestions email me). Amidst my struggle, here come Cam Newton and his pops. Until I figure that out I want to formally adopt Cecil Newton’s (Cam’s father (I like to call him Don King Jr)) pay for play scheme. So, until I figure out a solution, “Parents are the only people allowed to negotiate contracts for college athletes. It’s only right that kids get paid. Now excuse me…I have to figure out how to keep Boise State out of the BCS.”

Cameron Newton has game. Anyone would like to have a player like him on their team. I watched this guy week after week trying to find the flaws in his game, and every week I ended up disappointed. I would mumble under my breath, “There’s no way a guy could win with a team that bad. His coach is Gene Chizik for goodness sake. Prior to this year his record was 13-24.”

I am skeptical about how much he will win as an NFL quarterback, because the guy has a lot of LeBron James in him (You win big individually but you can never quite get over the hump and win championships at the highest level). During an interview he uttered the phrase, “…I also told him. I was going to take my talents to Auburn.” That phrase should be on the ban list in the “Good P.R. Handbook.” Stop with the “taking of talents.” Especially is you’ve already stole a laptop, cheated on a test, and lied to the NCAA. How about you take the money from Auburn and go to the NFL.

The college football season was good. I could have done without all the Pac-10 breakdowns and BCS debate shows. The only thing that pisses me off more than the BCS, is people that debate it at nauseam. We all get it the BCS stinks, but it’s not going away. Treat the BCS like a spouse that you owe a lifetime of alimony. The only way to stop it is to kill it. So let’s be quiet until it dies.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

www.facebook.com/kshanecomedy

www.youtube.com/kshanecomedy

KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

https://thekortneyshanepillar.wordpress.com/

 
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Posted by on December 10, 2010 in College Sports, Football

 

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Kortney Shane’s College Football Preview: Week 13


There Will Be Some Long Faces In Tuscaloosa This Weekend.

Let’s begin…

    It’s time for Rivalry week in college football. So, this week will not be deprived of great matchups. You have Ohio State and Michigan, the greatest rivalry in sports. The problem with this game is Michigan will be playing. I don’t know if you’ve seen their defense lately, but they couldn’t stop water with an off switch. Oklahoma and Oklahoma State also play this weekend. I think the Sooners will win this game and bring the Cowboys back to earth. My game of the week is Auburn vs. Alabama.

Breakdown

    The Auburn Tigers will be going to Tuscaloosa this weekend to take on the Alabama Crimson Tide. Now I thought that this game would have title implications for both teams, but with Alabama having two losses, it’s clear that they have no chance to make the title game. I even think the will struggle to get into a BCS Bowl game. With that being said, the only thing better than going to the national title, is keeping your rival from winning the national title. That’s what Alabama has a chance to do this weekend.

Cam Newton and the Auburn Tigers, better be ready to go to battle this weekend. I think this is going to be their toughest game this season. The Auburn Tigers have the personnel to dominate Alabama. They have the best offensive weapon in college football (Cam Newton), and…that’s it. Okay let’s be honest Auburn is going to have to put forth a man size effort to even stay in the game this weekend.

If this game were being played on a neutral field I would pick Auburn. Even though Alabama and Auburn are instate rivals, I don’t think Alabama would rise to the occasion. The problem for Auburn is, the game is in Tuscaloosa, and the coach on the other sideline is Nick Saban. In order for Auburn to win Cam Newton will have to have an incredible game. I don’t think he’ll be able to do it. Auburn will be dominated on Saturday in every aspect of the game. With a loss, Auburn will prevent 2 potential college football catastrophes. First it will prevent the need for Auburn to vacate a national championship. Second it will stop Boise State from complaining every offseason. They will finally get their title shot, and a chance to prove everyone wrong. I hope everyone can stomach a Boise State vs. Oregon in the national championship. The Alabama Crimson Tide will win.

Roll Tide, 14 – 31

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

www.facebook.com/kshanecomedy

www.youtube.com/kshanecomedy

KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

https://thekortneyshanepillar.wordpress.com/

 
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Posted by on November 25, 2010 in Football

 

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Kortney Shane’s College Football Preview: Week 4


#1 Alabama Takes On #10 Arkansas. Will It Be An Upset?

 

Let’s begin…

Review

    “Jake Locker, time to wake up. You’ve wet the bed again.” Man! I can’t believe I fell for the façade. I’m a dope. Locker had people fooled into thinking he was actually good. I give him credit for fooling people while never winning a big game in his career. However, I have to dock him points for fooling himself, and not taking 50 million dollars in the NFL. The rest of Washington’s season is irrelevant. At least Locker will have time to change his own sheets.

    I also didn’t see Iowa losing. The deck was definitely stacked against them. They had to go to the West Coast, and play a game at 10:30. However, if you want to be the man, you have to win those games. They didn’t and they’re not the man. Somewhere Ohio State is smiling.

Preview

    It’s a good week in college football. Boise State will be in action this week against Oregon State. This is there last big game this year. You also have South Carolina v. Auburn and West Virginia v. LSU. My game of the week is Alabama v. Arkansas.

Breakdown

    The Alabama Crimson Tide will be tested for the first time since the National Championship this week. The Arkansas Razorbacks are a good college football team this year, and they have a great chance to pull the upset. The Razorbacks possibly have the best quarterback in college football this year and a good coach. The will also have home field advantage. And home field advantage in the SEC, can be huge. Alabama has what I think is the best player in college football. He’s (drum roll please) Julio Jones! They also have the best coach in college football, two top 10 running backs, and oh yeah, their quarterback hasn’t lost a game since 8th grade. Now I said the Arkansas has a chance to pull the upset, and if they win that’s exactly what it’ll be. Roll tide!

Alabama wins 35 – 17

-Kortney Shane

Comedian (Maybe a writer)

www.facebook.com/kshanecomedy

www.youtube.com/kshanecomedy

KortneyShaneComedy@gmail.com

https://thekortneyshanepillar.wordpress.com/

 
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Posted by on September 22, 2010 in College Sports, Football

 

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