Refire The Miami Heat Hype; Can The Orlando Magic Win It All?

Another Christmas, Another LeBron James Win

Let’s begin…

I knew it would happen if Miami beat L.A. on Christmas day. I knew writers would fuel it, because of the easy story line. I thought the Lakers would stop it dead in it’s tracks. What I didn’t know is the Lakers could care less about it.

“It” is the hype machine. Let’s refire it.

The stage was set for the main event on Christmas day. The Miami Heat vs. the L.A. Lakers in the Staples Center, The Heat 3 versus Kobe and the boys. The game started at 5 o’ clock, but I’m still waiting for the Lakers to show up (Maybe there on Isaiah Rider time and they’ll show some time in the second quarter next week). I would like to say the Lakers quit, but that would be giving them too much credit. They just no showed.

I have to give Miami credit. They won the game. They showed up, and dominated. I don’t remember them missing a jump shot. It was like watching Pleasantville (when everyone was black and white…I think I’ll stop with the lame movie references). They didn’t make any detrimental mistakes the entire game, which is surprising because Eric Dampier and Joel Anthony are on the team. I didn’t even know they could catch a basketball. I saw the look in their eyes and they were shocked too. So, big ups to the Heat.

With that being said my opinion on the Heat hasn’t changed. I think they’re top 3 in the Eastern Conference and a championship contender. That opinion isn’t changing until they win something.

The Magic Back To How They Were?

I was somewhat impressed with the Orlando Magic, but more with what they did before the game.

The Magic made two huge trades last week. They brought back Hedo Turkoglu, and acquired Gilbert Arenas. More importantly, they got rid of Vice Carter and Rashard Lewis. Vince Carter has never went to another team, and made it better. He has always made the team worse. (If you don’t believe me look it up). The problem with Vince is he always shrinks on the big stage, milks injuries (By the way he hasn’t played a game since the trade because of…wait for it…a knee injury), and mails in games all the time. He’s, just, puree (A saying I made famous in high school, which means no one but me knows of it). Vince Carter is everything you don’t want in a franchise player.

As for Rashard Lewis, dude is just over paid. If he were making less money he would have stayed in Orlando. At least he gets to go to D.C. It should be easier for him to get his steroids there.

With the trades Orlando made they publicly admitted they made a mistake. They should have paid Hedo (Even though he’s over paid), because of what he was to their team. He was the guy that step up in clutch moments and led the team to the finals. He even made Rashard Lewis look good. Turkoglu has always been big time, even going back to his days in Sacramento. I don’t have much to say about Gilbert. I just hope he doesn’t bring guns in the locker room, or take a dump in someone shoes. So, I give the Magic credit for rectify their mistake.

I think Orland has gotten back to what made them a good team. They have a clear franchise player in Dwight Howard (please see this on Dwight Howard), and a proven clutch performer in Hedo Turkoglu. The fact that they beat Boston says nothing. If you want to dissect it, you could say Rajon Rondo and Kendrick Perkins weren’t playing. You could also say Orlando beat and lost to Boston in the playoffs, so the game proves nothing. What I saw was a group of players that all knew their roles. That’s what got Orlando to the Finals two years ago, and they now have a chance to win a championship.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

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Emergency Post: LeBron James Talks Contraction “Child Please”

Should James Stop Talking?

Let’s begin…

At what point is, “I’m just a young kid” no longer a valid excuse for making a bad decision? I think it’s at the age of 25 or whenever you start making adult decisions. Whichever comes first.

I’m just a young kid is LeBron James‘ go to move. More than his step back jumper, or a dunk in traffic. He loves to tell you how young and innocent he is.

In the latest edition of I’m just a kid. James made a comment over the weekend where he supports the idea of contraction, and all-stars teaming up in the NBA (personally I agree with the statement, because of the level of incompetence in certain organizations. Can you say, L.A. Clippers)? He stated that it would be a better league, because teams would be more competitive.

This statement is unpopular because people around the league will lose jobs, and the players union is trying to negotiate a deal with the NBA. The players union wants to get their clients the most money possible. In order to receive that money you have to show that the league is profitable and the players deserve a huge chunk. So, if teams are contracted it shows that teams aren’t profitable, and it hinders the players negotiating power. In conclusion LeBron helped the other team, which isn’t the first time. Please see 2010 playoff Boston game 5.

When LeBron was questioned about his comments he said, “I don’t even know what the word contraction means…” Really…you want me to believe you made it to the age of 26 without knowing the definition of contraction. Come on man. Don’t piss on me and tell me it’s raining because sooner or later I’m going to taste the salt.

If LeBron just came out and said I’m a douche people would respect him more. And if you don’t know what words mean, STOP TALKING. Take a page out of the Michael Jordan Hand Book For P.R. Dummies and say nothing (Jordan never took a stand on anything. You could ask him if Wheaties truly was the breakfast of champions and he’d plead the fifth). Everyday I’m happier he left Cleveland, and took his talents to South beach…another “I’m just a kid” move.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian and Writer

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How D-Wade Wins The East . . .

 

Miami Is In A Predictable Position?

Recently, the “Big 3” took their talents to S. Beach.  So far, not so good.  With the exception of Chris Bosh, it looks like everybody took a step in the negative direction where it matters most.  After their most recent unimpressive victory over Bosh’s old boys the Toronto Raptors, the Heat, projected by idiots across the USA to win 72 games or more, are only 2 games better than .500.

Now, I could go on and on for days about why this is happening, who’s to blame, or who’s not going to have a job by the time Pat Riley can say 2006, but those are all for other blogs.

Nope.  Today, I want to address a simple and egregious statement made by Erik Spoelstra (I don’t care if I spelled it right) and D-Wade, and break down why these two and LBJ MAY be on two, different pages.

After their second loss to the Boston Celtics, both of the Heat vets from last year (Spoelstra and Wade) made the same statement:  “We know we won’t be playing our best b-ball until end of January going into February.”

As the above statement was being said, I think I heard LeBron inside his head saying “well . . . ‘What Should I Do?’ until then???”  However, neither the King, nor I should be surprised.  Why?  Because this is the terrible basketball Miami plays EVERY YEAR! This year isn’t a special exception. I believe this has little to do with special offensive sets that need to be drawn up and much more to do with tradition.  Traditionally, every year, the Miami Heat and Wade don’t play basketball until after the All-Star Break.  Why…because in the Eastern Conference you don’t need to.  Wade beats up on the teams he can, steals a win or three from a playoff contender and then cruise controls it to April/May for the playoffs.

I looked at the records and what I found supported this argument.  All of last year, the Heat had about 9 wins against playoff teams that went to the second-round.  The other times they played these same teams (save the Orlando Magic) they lost.  They had only 23 wins by Feb. 6, 2010, they were 23-27 before they/Wade decided to make the playoffs last year.  All the while, King James had nearly double this amount of wins and his Cavs stood at 43-10 by the same date last year.  So, while James was playing for the best record not just in the East, but in the entire league, on his way to his second MVP.  Flash and company decided to take the easy road.  They beat up on easy wins (see Indiana, N.J., Wash., Golden State, et al.) and didn’t start playing LAST year until February.  Which leads me to believe this year’s late start is more by choice than D-Wade would have a King to believe.  But the proof is in the record. . .

Long story short, LBJ doesn’t take games off and he doesn’t fancy losing often.  No wonder these last two Celtics games he’s just decided to play them into it in the 4th quarter, turning double-digit leads into mere 5 pt. victories for the C’s.  To add insult to injury, they lost AT HOME. LeBron doesn’t even know what that looks like.  He nearly NEVER loses at home.  Only 6 home losses for Bron-Bron last year (including 2 to the C’s in the playoffs).  Further, when he plays, he plays to beat the best.  Why does D-Wade get 23 points combined in both Celtic games, but then avg. high 20’s versus all other opponents?  Is he just having off-days, or is he just not used to actually needing to show up for work before MLK day???

I think this will end-up with LeBron making a brand new Nike commercial in 3 years, similar to Tiger Wood‘s famed commercial of last year, but instead it will be Michael Jordan’s voice asking softly in the background: “Did You Learn Anything?”

 

LeBron James And Kevin Garnett Made Their Decision. Dwight Howard Is On Deck.

Dwight Howard Has A Chance To Alter His Future

Let’s begin…

    History always repeats itself, especially in sports. While the NBA’s summer of free agency captivated the sports world, I began to think about free agents of the future. I was immediately drawn to Dwight Howard (partly because I’m a Cleveland fan who was trying to avoid ESPN, and partly because I was planning my fantasy draft). The similarities between Kevin Garnett, LeBron James, and Dwight Howard are stunning. They were all: drafted out of high school, top 5 lottery picks that went to small markets, the focal of a team that became a championship contender, and eventually forced to leave…well not all of them. As of now Howard has yet to leave the franchise that drafted him. However it seems like the writing is on the wall, if he plans on winning a championship.

    If you look closely at the progress of the Orlando Magic, you will see that they are following the same pattern that all small markets do. All small markets have the same pattern. They draft a franchise player and surround him with average roll players, eventually the team tops out as a championship contender, and over the next few years they slowly begin to digress. Somewhere in between that process the team hopes to sign their franchise player to a long-term deal. This is the problem that Dwight Howard is beginning to face. Will he leave Orlando? I don’t know. Some before him have decided to stay (please see Dominique Wilkins, Patrick Ewing, and Reggie Miller).

    I think he should leave. He doesn’t have to take his talents to South Beach, but I don’t see him winning a championship in Orlando. The formula to winning a championship is clear. If you don’t get to play for the Celtics or the Lakers, you have to find a way to play with another Hall of Fame player. If Orlando cannot create that formula within the next three year, it would be wise for Dwight Howard to leave Orlando. I wonder how he would look in a Boston Celtics uniform?

Comedian and Writer

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“Taking Your Talents to South Beach” Chris Paul Will Make it A Trend

LeBron and Paul Have More Than Frienship in Common

Let’s begin…

So there’s a report out in regard to Chris Paul. According to Chris Broussard, Chris Paul has request a trade from the New Orleans Hornets. Hi preferred destinations are said to be New York, Portland, and Orlando which is said to be a top that list. I think Paul’s request was caused by the decision that the Heat’s small forward made, and it may even reveal why he made the move. He’s said to be “best friends” with Chris Paul (I had to put best friends in parenthesis, because James (used his name) is best friends with everyone. He’s best friends with Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, Jay-Z, Donald Trump, Warren Buffet…he’s probably best friends with Mel Brooks (the alcoholic not the comedian). Chris Paul and LeBron (did it again) had conversations about where they would play their respective careers. So, that leads me to believe that they both knew each other was thinking about leaving their respective teams before LeBron (I give up) made his decision. And if you didn’t know that, you’re just not paying attention. So, maybe LeBron made his decision to stay ahead of the curve. Maybe Chris Paul decided to leave now, and exercise his power, after he saw it was possible to pull off. I side with the later. I think players say think about what it would be like to play with another great player, but because of the salary cap they don’t think it will happen. However, this summer that was proved wrong.

    I hope that Chris Paul ends up playing for the Orlando Magic. Now as a Cleveland sports fan I’m a little torn, because I see what James leaving did to a city. At the same time the duty of a true fan is to wish vengeance on a player that doesn’t leave the right way. And what better way to wish vengeance than to hope Chris Paul plays in Orlando. Just imagine LeBron tries to back door his way into a championship, but wait a minute. Chris Paul and Dwight Howard form the Magic 2. Not only are the Magic younger, but the team is better. So you spin this forward 3 years, and Miami hasn’t won a championship. There’s dissension among the Heat, Pat Riley comes back, and Van Gundy is smiling. Imagine the hysteria and the backlash. I can see it right now. LeBron takes an hour out of ESPN, he’s at a Sports Authority in Las Vegas, he donating the money to Hookers, and he says, “This fall I have decided to take my talents to Venice Beach, and play for the L.A. Lakers.”

    This summer things have changed in the NBA. For the last 10 years everyone has been trying to find the next Michael Jordan. “Who’s going to take over?” We’ve been reaching for what the NBA was going to be. “Well now we have arrived at an answer. The NBA is now the league of super powers. Stop looking for the next Michael Jordan, because he won’t be here for another 15 years. Instead embrace the supper teams. For the next 10 years the NBA will be reminiscent to the 70s and 80s. It will become the undisputed number two sport in America, and become must see T.V.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian (Maybe a writer)

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NBA Finals 2010 Preview, who will win? I know…

Let’s begin…

“Oh, so we made it this far…” It’s time for the final act, but before we do that, lets put Orlando and Phoenix to rest.

    Orlando, what happened? Please don’t tell me. Let me guess. Was it Vince Carter? So, I guess this series puts the whole Vince Carter, Hedo Turkoglu debate to rest. Now everyone knows. Even though I thought everyone already knew. I guess Vince is like a woman that’s been on Maury 7 times. We’re hoping she finds the father, and we hope Vince can find a playoff game. In the mean time it’s fun watching him try. Orlando was a better team than the Boston Celtics, but the best team doesn’t always win. At the same time you have to give the Celtics credit. They knew they could leave Rashard Lewis open. They knew Vince was a playoff bum. And they knew it would take Stan Van Gundy 3 games to play J.J. Redick. Redick is not a great player, but they needed basketball IQ on the floor. That’s right Orlando lost because they were dumb. Now that they’re done lets start the Dwight Howard rumors. How about Howard to the Knicks?

    “Phoenix, the rollercoaster season is over. You guys over achieved. No one thought you would even slightly put it together. I give you credit for entertaining me once again, and not playing defense. You guys even tried playing a zone. I haven’t seen a zone since I played JV basketball.” I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that they played a zone, or the fact that it worked. I think I have to give you credit for at least trying, but enjoy the finals at home. Also get ready for the offseason rollercoaster. Lets call it, “Amare Stoudemire.”

The Finals

    So we have arrived. Celtics v. Lakers. The most storied franchises in the NBA. Old fans will watch because it reminds them of their youth. Young fans watch because of Kobe Bryant. Everyone else watches it, because they don’t want to watch hockey. I can’t believe that Boston made it. Not only do they have Doc Rivers as a coach, but they beat Miami, Cleveland, and Orlando. Those were the three toughest possible Eastern Conference matchups. The Lakers on the other hand were expected to be in this position. Many people felt they were the best team all season, and they proved to be the best team in the Eastern Conference. If you’re keeping count at home, they’ve been to 3 NBA Championships in a row. Now lets ask Phil Jackson if he’ll leave L.A. to coach the Nets.

    This is a tough series to call. I could see it going either way. So let’s break it down player for player.

    Kobe v. Paul Pierce. I give the edge to Kobe. He’s superior in every way, and he’s the best player in the NBA.

    Ron Artest v. Ray Allen. This matchup is even. Offense cancels out the defense for both players.

    Rajon Rondo v. Derrik Fisher. Rondo v. Fisher, need I say more. This match up is a mismatch and it’s not even close. The point guard position is the Lakers biggest flaw.

    Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum v. Kevin Garnett and Kendrick Perkins. I give the Lakers a slight edge in the front court. The Lakers are better offensively while the Celtics have the defensive edge. Great offense always beats great defense.

    Rasheed Wallace, Glen Davis, Tony Allen v. Lamar Odom, Jordan Farmar, Shannon Brown. I definitely take the Celtics bench. Rasheed will be smart and physical. Glen Davis will play hard. At certain times during the NBA Finals Tony Allen will bet the best player on the floor. Lamar Odom is up and down, east and west. He could give you a great game, but it depends on how many Gummy Bears he eats at halftime. The rest of the Lakers bench is useless. I give a huge edge to the Celtics.

I keep trying to talk myself into the Lakers winning the finals, but I can’t do it. I think they can win if Rondo doesn’t play well, but I don like picking a team based on a big time player failing. I will give the Lakers a punchers chance. They have the best and baddest man on the planet, Kobe Bryant. If Kobe can pull this off, I will rank him right up there with Jordan. I just don’t think it’s going to happen. I will take the Celtics in 5. Rajon Rondo will be the Finals MVP.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian (Maybe a writer)

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NBA Playoff Round 2 Recap and Conference Finals Predictions

Let’s begin…

Alright so it’s time to put some NBA seasons to rest.

Hey Utah you’re rents due. I feel bad for all the little blonde haired blue-eyed children in Utah. You just didn’t have what it took to push the Lakers in any way. Thanks for beating Denver, because I was tired of looking at the tattoos. I have nothing bad to say about you guys. You had a great season and you overachieved.

The Atlanta Hawks, you frauds have got to go. You pulled the wool over my eyes. Everyone should leave Atlanta quickly and quietly. You have to treat that Atlanta Arena like a crime scene. You guys should have at least tried to win a game. My goodness, you guys laid down like Lassie. Everyone in Atlanta should stop playing basketball for a week, and help Joe Johnson look for his game. Hopefully he finds it on his way to New York.

The San Antonio Spurs are next up. It hurts me to do this, but I have to ask…George Hill? Really, did you really think he could compete with a 2 time MVP? Come on Pop, that’s ridiculous. After all the Championships you’ve won, how could you not know that Tony Parker could expose Steve Nash? I think this offseason should be spent finding a true backup for Tim Duncan, and try to find someone that has ACLs. I heard ACLs are important.

Now we all know who’s next. For a full disclaimer I want to let you know I am a Cleveland fan. So, I have a vested interest in sports in Cleveland being great. However, I will call it like I see it. Now let me proceed in ripping the Cleveland Cavaliers. What happened? Were you surprised? Were you shocked? Was your elbow hurting? You guys wet the bed in the second round. 20 years from now when you realize that you lost a playoff series to Rasheed Wallace when he wasn’t interested in playing, fire Mike Brown again.

So here now we are in the Conference Finals. There have been causalities along the way, but the best four teams are definitely left.

The Eastern Conference Finals

The Orlando Magic v. The Boston Celtics. I don’t know who I should pick in this series. Orlando has advantages off the bench, at coaching, and at center. Boston has the experience, the big three, and the best point guard in the series. At the same time Boston has the sometimes engaged often enraged Rasheed Wallace, while Orlando has the king of lying down, Vince Carter. I will pick the Orlando Magic in this series. As much as I hate to think that Vince Carter will be in the Finals, I think it will happen. Boston struggles guarding multiple scorers. Orlando doesn’t have a consistent second scorer. They have Vince, Rashard, and Nelson as second scorers by committee. Orlando struggles when they can’t shoot, and Boston will definitely run them off the 3 point line. The problem Boston has is they just don’t have the legs to win the series. I would pick Orlando in 5 but they have Vince Carter. I will pick Boston in 6.

The Western Conference Finals

The Phoenix Suns v. The L.A. Lakers. The Lakers have the clear advantage in this series, and truthfully it’s not close. If the Lakers play to there potential they could beat Phoenix in 5. However in the last statement lies the problem. The Lakers don’t always play to there potential. So Phoenix has a chance, because I know Steve Nash will play hard every game. If Phoenix plays hard, and Bynum and Odem don’t show up the Suns have a chance. I don’t play ifs when it comes to picking series. So, I’m taking the Lakers in 6.

We have a finals rematch.

Jay Hollingsworth wanted a shout out on my blog, because I counted out the Celtics. So, here it is Jay, “Shout Out.”

-Kortney Shane

Comedian (Maybe a writer)

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The Second Round of the 2010 NBA Playoffs, I Have to Put Some Teams to Rest

Let’s put some teams to rest

Please queue up the funeral music; it’s time to put some NBA seasons to death. First up is the Oklahoma City Thunder. Oklahoma you’re just not ready soon you will be, but you still have to shake the ghost of Shawn Kemp. It could be worse. You could be in Seattle, drawing 1000 people to your home games.

The Denver Nuggets, what the hell happened? I thought you’ll were supposed to be good. I thought you had a chance. I picked you guys to win and you made me look bad. You made me look like some blogger that doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Then again I should have looked closer. I would have seen that you don’t play defense, and couldn’t score inside against Utah. I forgot you weren’t disciplined and lacked the mental toughness to beat Utah. I should have also seen the tattoos. You have way too many tattoos on that team. In my opinion you have too many tattoos to win. Has anyone figured out why Kenyon Martin has lips on his neck? I’m tired of treating it like a guy at work with a peg leg. I want an explanation. Until then, Denver enjoy the altitude and the summer off.

Dallas, oh Dallas, we do this every year so let’s not drag it out. The bottom line is you can’t win a championship with Dirk Nowitzki being your leader. Let Dirk opt out and don’t resign him. Get into the lottery and draft a guy that could lead you team one day.

Charlotte Bobcats you’re up next. Truthfully I don’t know how you’ll made the playoffs. I don’t know who to blame. So let’s blame people that use to play in Charlotte. I blame Larry Johnson and Muggsy Bogues. What an odd way to be known for basketball in a city. Oh yeah and lets blame Larry Brown, because we all know he doesn’t want to coach there. Also, please change you Bobcats name it sounds soft.

The Chicago Bulls. It was fun while it lasted, but you have to go. Make sure Derek Rose gets a back brace, because he has to be sore from carrying this team all season. Joakim Noah wanted to know what was so great about Cleveland…I’ll tell you, “The second round” Now go home, and don’t forget your hair ties in the locker room.

The Miami Heat, how embarrassing was that? There’s no need to say what was wrong with your team, because we say the games. I wish Dwayne Wade would stop acting like he’s some great winner. You haven’t been out of the first round since 2006. Since then Shaq has played for 2 more teams, the Saints won a Super bowl, Frank TV has been canceled, and you’re still getting older. Leave Miami and go contend for a championship, and get your title as a winner back. At least go visit another team, and if you decide to resign with Miami after that? Ask Derik Rose to borrow his back brace.

Second Round Break Down

The Boston Celtics v. The Cleveland Cavaliers. Boston is in serious trouble in this series. They have a definite advantage at point guard. There is no doubt that Rondo is a better all around player when compared to
Mo Williams. I could argue that Rondo is the best player on the Celtics team. After that however they have no advantages. Kevin Garnett is injured, Ray Allen won’t be able to create a shot, Paul Pierce will have great offensive games, but defensively he won’t be able to handle LeBron. Then you have a limited Kendrick Perkins, and Big Baby who will probably start crying some time during the second quarter of game 2. I do think Boston could have a chance to make it a competitive series. The problem is you need Rasheed Wallace e to be effective, and let’s face it, he’ll be as about as effective as a spit ball in a gun fight. I wouldn’t be surprised if he pulled an Isaiah Rider and shows up during player introductions. I’m willing to bet $20 on the idea that he believes he still plays in Portland. Cleveland has the upper hand. They have the best player in basketball, energy with Varejao, and this year’s matchup nightmare, Antawn Jamison. They also have a better bench for what it’s worth, and home court advantage. I think I should start warming up the funeral music for Boston. I pick the Cavs in 5.

The San Antonio Spurs v. The Phoenix Suns. Oh baby, this is going to be an interesting series. I don’t know how good the Spurs are. They did control their last series, but they know the Mavericks inside and out. I know Duncan has lost a step and Ginobili has a broken nose, so we’ll have to see how that affects them. Phoenix on the other hand has clear flaws. What about “defense” does Phoenix not understand? I love Steve Nash, but he can’t stay in front of a quick point guard. If you’re not going to play defense as a team, stop trying to fool us every year. Just sign Kwame Brown, and stop getting Charles Barkley’s hopes up. I will take the Spurs in 6.

The L.A. Lakers v. The Utah Jazz. This series is the hardest to predict in regard to the number of games. I don’t see a sweep, but I can see either team winning in 6 or 7. If you look at the matchups Derrick Fisher and for that matter anyone the Lakers play at point guard will get abused by Darren Williams. However, that’s the only advantage Utah has. So you might ask, “Why don’t you outright pick the Lakers?”Well, because they are the Lakers. L.A. doesn’t always execute, and I know Utah will execute and play disciplined. The problem is the Lakers extremely more talented. I compare this series to a Porsche and 15 Chrysler 300s. I love the precision of a Porsche, but under normal circumstances the 15 Chryslers win. At the same time under normal circumstances the 15 Chryslers may have terrible transmissions. With that being said, I will take the Lakers in 7.

The Orlando Magic v. The Atlanta Hawks/Milwaukee Bucks. Now because Atlanta has no leadership they have to play a game 7 against Milwaukee. I wish I had the power to give Milwaukee the win, because Atlanta hasn’t earned it. I did pick the Hawks to take out the Magic, but still I can’t stand watching the way they played during the first round. With that being said, if the Hawks win I will stick with my prediction of them beating Orlando, because that would make me look smart. I will always bet against Orlando in that series because of Vince Carter. Now if Milwaukee does take out Atlanta? The Orlando Magic will live to lose in the next series. So I will take Atlanta in 6 or Orlando in 4.

 

Enjoy the playoffs, and make everyone read this blog.

Rate it high. Help a brother blow up.

 

-Kortney Shane

Comedian (Maybe a writer)

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The NBA Playoffs, There May Be D-Wade After Shocks

“Hey We Made It”

That’s what the people in my head are saying. We made it. Can you feel it? The NBA Playoffs are here.

    Before we get to the playoffs let me say this. The NBA season is too long for how uncompetitive some of the teams are. Its ridiculous how bad New Jersey, Golden State, and New York are, I literally think that there are more qualified basketball players in college and the D-League.

    Now let’s get to the playoff talk. I’m not going to talk about every team so, if you’re a fan of the Bulls or Milwaukee sign off now, and move to L.A. First, of all don’t be surprised by Boston this year. That’s not a good team. I even argue that they never were a true championship team. Only thing that would surprise me is if they won a series. I think that they may lose in the first round. I’m not calling the upset, because at anytime during game 2, Rasheed Wallace may remember that he’s actually supposed to be playing basketball. For that reason I think they win one series and after that they get whacked.

    The scariest teams in the playoff are Atlanta and San Antonio (in their respective divisions). Atlanta is a match up disaster for any team. They have size and speed on the wing. That’s hard to defend in any athletic field. The Spurs have a great coach, and the have the best chemistry out of all the teams in the west.

    Let’s just skip right to the Conference Finals. Start the drum roll, The Conference Finals will be Spurs/Mavericks v. Lakers and Cavilers v. Hawks. I go with Spurs or Mavs because I don’t know if Dirk will show up down the stretch. He may still be suffering from D-Wade ’07 Finals after shocks. He also had that episode with David West, where he was patted on the cheek. Google those videos, and watch Dirk’s eyes. He looks like he’s in the ring with Tyson in 1989. With that being said, if Dirk shows up the Mavs win.

    In the east I’m calling the upset. The Atlanta Hawks will get to the Conference Finals. If you’ve been watching for the last couple of years they have been right there. They have everything you need to beat Orlando. A good point guard, match up problems on the wing, and…oh yeah, Orlando have Vince Carter. I will always pick against him. He played his best basketball in those Nike Shox commercials. He reminds me of A-Rod, except he’s not as good, not as rich, and he don’t have a clutch bone in his body. Okay I guess we should scratch that comparison. I found a better one, just Google Jose Mesa.

    The Finals will be the Cavs v. one of the three teams out of the west. I would out right pick the, but Derek Fisher can’t guard anybody, and Bynum is made of Paper Mache. If the Spurs slip the Mavs, Tony Parker would work Derek Fisher and possibly get to the Finals. The Mavs have the best team on paper, but…the D-Wade after shocks could be in attendance. So, let’s say everything goes somewhat normal. I predict the Lakers will go to the Finals. Mavs can’t take advantage of the Lakers biggest flaw at the point guard. Jason Kidd is just too slow. Also, too much Kobe, too much Phil Jackson, and “This just in” Ron Artest may have food coloring in his hair.

    So, in the Finals we get what we have wanted for 3 years. Kobe v. LeBron

    At this point I will sign off. I’m not predicting the Finals because I’m a Cavaliers fan. Therefore I’m not subjective when it comes to them. I don’t want to entertain the idea that they may lose. So, why don’t you just tell me what you think? If you think Cleveland will win I will be happy? If you think L.A. will win I will act like I never heard it.

-Kortney Shane

Comedian (Maybe a writer)

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